'Jersey Shore' Recap: A Tragic Situation

A birthday party ends in rage, naturally

pauly d jersey shore
Ian Spanier Photography
Pauly D on MTV's 'Jersey Shore.'
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Vinny may have moved out of the house at the end of last week's episode, but everyone seems to be handling the news in the calm, mature manner befitting a house full of grown adults. What are you, an idiot? "He was like my soul," Deena sobs in the ladies' restroom next to the toilet paper dispenser, her butt drooping mournfully out of her… dress? Shirt she won out of a gumball machine? Pauly returns to the club after Vinny bids him a stout yet tastefully homoerotic goodbye and informs the rest of the gang of Vinny's departure. I don't know if everyone has just consumed so much alcohol that it inhibited their ability to react to the cue card saying "Act Sad," but none of them have an actual reaction. Well… almost no one. "I'm being selfish," Deena hiccups, toilet paper cleaving to the bottom of her stiletto. "You're being selfish," JWoww confirms. Once back at the house, Deena literally cries on the roof until the sun comes up. Does Deena think that by leaving the house, Vinny died somehow?

The next morning, Snooki and Deena dedicate it Meatball Day in Vinny's honor. Did you guys know that if you wear bathing suit bottoms instead of underwear, you can't be arrested for having your vagina constantly falling out of your skirt? Deena is really scamming the system here. Take that, officers! The ladies shuffle off to a bar to get "wastie pants" in matching Sasquatch boots that I'm starting to believe are actually their feet. Even before they introduced him, I noticed and admired the eye-rolling man who kindly tugged down Deena's dress to re-hide her lady wiener. I just assumed it was some saintly tourist who happened to wander into the bar from heaven, but in fact, it was the girl's new gay friend, who is what this show has been missing this entire time. Deena loves gay guys. "You can get hammered and not worry that you're going to give them a blow job at the end of the night," she raves, which is just so, so true. Am I right, ladies? Am I right, scabies?

Later in the evening, the two dance-battle a troupe of what appears to be talented 12-year-olds. If the dance contest were judged solely on the number of times each team's genitals had to be digitally blurred for television, I think you know which contestants would win. "Jionni's going to kill me," Snooki slurs, not realizing that it will actually be one of her thousands of falls that will take her out. For such a tiny girl, Snooki goes down like a bag of bricks. Those fur boots can't possibly have adequate traction! Also, maybe Jionni would feel more secure in the relationship if her goodbyes did not contain the promise, "I won't cheat on you."

Back at the house, Deena's hair has somehow mutated into a hot, tangled, Beneath the Planet of the Apes mess. Pauly and JWoww patiently groom her as Deena cries for all time. "My identity is just tearing off of me right now," she weeps as JWoww pulls out her extensions and throws them into a full bathtub, a visual image that haunts me still.

You guys remember the Unit, who is the Situation's best friend and an irritating parasite on the mucous membrane of womankind? Well, he is back in action and getting into senseless fights when the gang heads out again the next night. Are they partying in Vinny's honor? Probably – though, again, everyone is suspiciously nonchalant about Vinny being gone. It's almost like it doesn't even matter. It's almost like nothing even matters. (Oh, I see where they're coming from.) Ever the gremlin, the Situation plots once again to get the Unit and Snooki to fight over whether or not she fucked the Situation. Luckily, the Unit gets kicked out for brawling before he can be forced into an altercation. Take heart, Mike. The arc of the "GTTheTruthWillSetYouFree" universe is long, but it bends toward that bathtub full of hair.

Meanwhile, Pauly mourns his dead king Vinny the best way he knows how. "I'm going to smash this tattooed chick in my man Vinny's bed," he enthuses. Later, Pauly excitedly tells Vinny about all the fucking he's done in Vinny's honor. There is just so much to unpack in that conversation. Garbage bag upon garbage bag to unpack. Pauly also happens to be celebrating his 31st birthday, while the Situation turns…. I don't know, 43? 54? 94? God help him when he actually turns 94. They'd better be working new skin technology now, because the Situation is starting to look like an antique leather Popeye doll. When Pauly brings home yet another young sad woman (a Situation cast-off), the crew is aghast when she chooses not to fuck him. "It's his birthday," Sammi gasps. "He needs to get it in on his birthday." SO IT IS WRITTEN, SO IT SHALL BE BAAARF.

The next day (or whenever we next see sunlight in this vague, unknowable timeline), Pauly's family trucks in for the day to celebrate. Do they not know how disgusting this show is? All I'm saying is, you're going to bring both the Aunt Paulas into that den of iniquity? Pauly's mom surprises him with a visit from his barber, which is pretty cute. Pauly's thrilled to be once again fresh to death, although… that hair looks exactly the same, right? Later, they take Pauly out for a family-style meal while the Situation tags along, pouting. "You need a pitchfork and a shovel," one of Pauly's infinite uncles cracks. YOU AND ME BOTH, UNCLE.

But it's when the girls bake Pauly, and only Pauly, a birthday cake that the Situation really gets his brood on. Sure, he might have found a new filthy hippie lady friend in DTF Paula ("She might be dirty and grimy and disgusting, but she's just a nice girl," Sammi muses), but that's not the same as the love of your good friends… whom you've systematically alienated with your increasingly cruel and antagonistic behavior. The Situation's family didn't come to visit, either, ostensibly because they hate him as much as everyone does. Just kidding! It's because the producers didn't call them.

"I must be the devil in this house," Mike grouses. And is. He complains, "It seems like I'm the bad guy a lot of the times." Well, if by "bad guy" you mean someone who intentionally starts fights with his closest companions for no apparent reason… then there is no "if." "No matter how good I am, I'm never seen as the good guy," the Situation grumbles after slamming the sliding glass door in a huff. Can anyone really have such little self-awareness? It's kind of shocking. Eventually, Mike runs off into the streets in a rage, which whips the rest of the house into a whirlwind of ambivalence. Maybe he'll just keep running.

On an unrelated note, you know that bathtub is going to be full of hair for the rest of the season, right?

Last Week: Every Day I'm Sufferin'