Toward the end of this week's episode, Hannah stands trembling on Adam's doorstep, ready to break things off after he texts her a photo of his wiener wrapped in a squirrel skin… a photo meant for another girl (a thing she finds out about after his flippant "SRY that wasn't for you" follow-up text). "I really care about you, and I don't want to anymore because it feels to shitty for me," Hannah sobs. Unfortunately, Adam has way stronger emotions about her new drawn-on eyebrows than their so-called relationship. "You look like a Mexican teenager," he marvels. "It rules." Might as well be telling him to put on a shirt, girl, because your gorgeous emotional rant has fallen on deaf, hot ears. Everyone's early twenties is made of these kinds of beautiful speeches that you crowd-source from your girlfriends and tell to horrible guys. But… not guys this horrible, right? These guys… these guys are no good. No good at all.
Now, using that scene as an example, I do feel that last night's episode felt intriguingly true to a hyper-specific moment in time, when a woman is young and a transplant and has no guy friends as of yet. In that window, every interaction with men is so profoundly loaded and important… and (usually) awful. As in real life, however, just because it's a genuinely felt experience doesn't make it true. These men of Girls… lord, it might be a cliché, but these girls need a gay friend up in here, stat. A male who isn't a total goober to balance out the pure dumb-assness of every male character (save Jessa's employer) we've met so far. Maybe Hannah's ex-boyfriend could come back? Ugh, but he was horrible, too! Horatio Sanz, don't let me down now!
Let's start with Hannah's new coworker, shall we? Oh, did I mention Hannah found a job? And thus, the central dilemma of the series neatly resolved itself! Hannah now works in an office characterized by a palpable beige-ness and an alien operating system. "I am more of a Mac girl," Hannah explains as she frantically reviews a Windows manual. She works with Rich, an amiable beardo who without warning presses his hand between Hannah's breasts for a bit of Reiki healing straight from the training grounds of Club Med. Hannah is perturbed but not horrified, as she quickly learns that her amazing, sassy female coworkers have come to employ bemusement when dealing with Rich's massages. "He touch you?," they quiz her, before filling in Hannah's sparse eyebrows with some amazing chola Count Chocula numbers as a gesture of camaraderie. All I want is more of these awesome new ladies, but instead we are offered the craziest rationalization possible for Rich's bizarre lack of boundaries. "You'll tell me if the touching ever bothers you, right?," he smiles, explaining that he's just a touchy guy. Rich, did you get brain damage down at Club Med, too? You can't know you're a creep and still be applying pressure to people's skeletons without asking! Words cannot express how exhausted with rage I am just thinking about this plotline. Oh no, here it is: rage-zhausted.
Then there was Shoshanna's momentary love interest, Matt. Oh, Shosh! As soon as you saw her hopeful face light up at the sight of her former camp counselor, you knew something humiliating was about to happen. So, of course, she decides to "watch a movie" with him that night – "watch a movie" being code for "something humiliating is about to happen. In our pants." When presented with Matt's boner, Shoshanna declares, "I don't want to touch it if we haven't kissed." Reasonable! Once their clothes come off, Matt boasts, "I like to eat pussy too. I know it seems weird, but I frigging love it." I've never heard anything weirder, Matthew. Please do go on. After suggesting they have sex, Shoshanna blurts out that she is still a virgin. So, of course, Matt slams the breaks on the whole boning idea because EW and NO and GROSS. "Virgins get attached. Or they bleed," he sniffs. "I'm a totally unattached bleeder," Shoshanna promises to no avail. Sometimes I wonder if this show is too real to my life experience for me to give a balanced recap, if you guys catch my drift. On the other hand, I rage because I care. I hope Shoshanna loses her virginity surrounded by a million tea candles, following a loving massage from a former camp counselor who really cares, but boy, I do not think that's in the cards.
Across town, Jessa manages to lose her tiny charges, later hinting at her own mother's less-than-stellar parenting skills. After her abortion plotline ended, the show is giving Jessa short shift in the storyline department, but more importantly… is Horatio Sanz's Uncle Terry (who leered over Jessa's Bridget Bardot face and "ass like Rihanna") going to try to sleep with her? I might need to be put in an iron lung if that happens. Or a sanitarium.
And then there was Charlie. I genuinely felt bad for Marnie's man last week as she barked at him about his shaved head. Theirs is clearly a dying relationship in need of a gentle shove into the grave. Enter Hannah's diary. Oh, and Charlie's gross friend. "Someone should just tie her up to a post and fuck her," he says of Marnie, his friend's girlfriend, before moping about his chances of ever sleeping with someone to whom he bears familial resemblance: "My sister is a fucking fatty, my parents are dead, so I got nothing." Cool story, barf. After snooping around the ladies' apartment, the two discover the aforementioned diary, which discusses Marnie's true feelings for Charlie's "kind of smothering love." So, of course the two use their gig later that night to perform a "song" based on Hannah's personal musings as a horrified Marnie and Co. look on. Wow, man, that is a pretty deep cut, except… what kind of person lets his gross friend smell his girlfriend's vibrator? In front of him? This actually happened, mind you. WHAT KIND OF HUMAN WOULD DO SUCH A THING? Bye, Charlie! Don't let the geyser of my vomit hit you on the way out! Despite the fact that everything Hannah wrote was true (and, duh, because of it), Marnie hurls a drink in her face and snarls "Bitch!" before storming out of the bar. A fight between two characters that actually care about each other and act like humans? Humina humina humina! Next week can't come soon enough!
Which brings us back to Hannah trying to break things off with Adam. "I made you think you didn't have to explain," she gulps about the errant text, struggling to hold back tears. OH, GIRL, NO. NO. Despite the advice of her closest friends and kick-ass coworkers ("This picture wasn't for you? That is fucked up," they collectively gasp), Hannah tries to talk it out. Because that's the only power you have in those situations, right? A desperate, hand-flailing diatribe in the face of handsome, slack-jawed reality? Like Shoshanna's strict no-boner-grabbing-before-kissing rule, it is depressing to have to blurt out the BASIC RULES of human interaction to some guy. But that's how it feels, when you're young. Or that's how actually it is? I don't know; these recaps are breaking me down, son. Unfortunately, since this is TV instead of real life, Adam embraces Hannah rather than make up some lame excuse and then slowly stop texting her over the course of a month. Adam isn't required to apologize or explain himself or put on a shirt for one goddamn second because Hannah just wanted to say her piece. She has no expectation that he'll change. "I love it when you talk to me that way," he tells Hannah as they kiss. Man, do we have to like this guy now? Jesus, give me strength. Fill my little hot rod bod with your holy will and deliver unto me a male character that is not the biggest chode of all time. Or at least more of Jessa's boss; he doesn't seem too bad. Yet.
Previously: What Would Robyn Do?