The much-promised "young and hip" Oscar telecast fell on its skinny, high-fashion ass last night. It's not that The King's Speech triumphed as Best Picture over my fave, The Social Network. I'm over that. Oscar is famous for unadventurous, comfort-food choices. Best Actor winner Colin Firth claimed the "stirrings" he was experiencing in the upper abdominal regions might make him dance. The stirrings I felt from the 83rd annual Oscar show made me want to puke. How could so many stars bore so many people breathless? Where to start?
The 2011 Oscars: Photos, Videos and More
The Hosts: It sounded intriguing that the Academy would bring in young guns — Anne Hathaway, 28, and James Franco, 32 — as co-hosts. They're talented actors. But OMFG! Hathaway chirped like a cage fill of tormented canaries. Perhaps she was trying to rouse Franco, who looked stoned or maybe just exhausted from his multiple courses of university study. Either way, their banter was painful. Low points: her show tune segment. His drag act as Marilyn Monroe. How 2011 is that? At least, Franco looked like he didn't want to be there. Dude, we know the feeling.
The 2011 Oscars' Best Moments: Peter Travers' Play-by-Play
The Presenters: What happened to the tradition of last year's acting winners passing on their Oscar crowns? Jeff Bridges and Sandra Bullock did their duty for Natalie Portman and Colin Firth. But where was last year's Best Supporting Actress winner Monique to hand off the gold to The Fighter's Christian Bale? And was Christoph Waltz too busy to present Best Supporting Actress to The Fighter's Melissa Leo. It couldn't have been the hunger for youth. The Academy chose Kirk Douglas, 94 and still mugging, to present to Leo. And you were surprised she dropped the F-bomb!
Photos: The 2011 Oscar After-Parties
The Laughs: Bob Hope was funny. "At my house the Oscars are known as Passover," quipped the never-nominated comedian. Of course, Hope has been dead since 2003. His bit was a clip. Billy Crystal showed up alive and kicking to remind us of what a solid Oscar host looked and sounded like. Hathaway and Franco's attempt to borrow Crystal's trick of inserting himself into nominated movies backfired badly. The Back To the Future reference was especially untimely.