Sunday night on NBC, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association will dole out its Golden Dildos (OK, Golden Globe awards) to A-list stars who show up to celebrate themselves and, not coincidentally, boost the TV ratings for a show put on by a shoddy association of foreign journalists, many with dodgy credentials. Sure it’s a sham, but nobody cares. The Globes put on the kind of tacky awards fest we all want to watch. Unlike the Oscars, where the audience squeezes into uncomfortable theater seats, the Globes let the A-listers stretch out at tables and encourages them to booze it up. Why? So they’ll step up to the podium drunk, stoned or just incoherent enough to embarrass themselves. Now that’s worth watching. And they double our fun by mixing in TV stars who they stash far away in the cheaper seats.
Unlike the Oscars, the Globes dispense with bathroom-break categories like Editing, Cinematography and — yikes — Art Direction. In the eyes of the 90-some Globe voters, commerce trumps art every time. Last year, the shiny Dildo for Best Movie sidestepped the low-budget, low-grossing The Hurt Locker to reward Avatar, the 3D blockbuster everyone saw. And yet the high ratings give the Globes clout. "Golden Globe Winner!" in newspaper and television ads sure as hell beats a prize from some stodgy film critics circle. The decline of pop culture finds its ultimate symbol in the Golden Globes. That’s what makes it fun guessing the winners.