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The Stanley Cup Final: The Los Angeles Kings Can Go Duck Themselves

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12:00 p.m. It's high noon. And D2 time. Strangely, my TV abruptly shuts off during the opening credits, which may be a sign, but most likely proves I'm four beers in and sat on the remote.

12:10 p.m. Emilio's professional hockey career comes to a screeching halt when he injures his knee and is forced to return to Minneapolis with a Llewyn Davis level of sadness (and a cane). Hans is gone, replaced with Yan on some real Aunt Viv shit. It's quickly addressed then forgotten, leaving me to wonder if you can be into both hockey and details at the same time. This may not be working.

12:13 p.m. I'm still confused as to how pre-teen hockey not only has an audience, but is big enough to garner headlines in newspapers framed throughout the pro shop. But I'm most shocked that Emilio admits he lost touch with Joshua Jackson's mom, and Joshua Jackson never brings it up or even seems disappointed. Anyway, Team USA asks Emilio to coach and bring his Ducks along to Los Angeles – a REAL HOCKEY HOTBED – to compete with the world's best.

12:45 p.m. We learn that Goldberg's parents own a deli, because, of course they do. WAIT, Kenan Thompson is in this shit? That's the first real plus. Maybe hockey has a chance after all.

1:34 p.m. Okay, it's been a while since I wrote anything down, I know that. I returned a few text messages and found an interview with actor Garette Henson, who played Guy Germaine, and he said he lost his virginity and smoked pot for the first time during filming, and now it's all I want to know about. Also, I keep trying to make a meme for "Flying V. Stiviano," where it's just the Mighty Ducks in V-Formation, all wearing Daft Punk visors.

1:44 p.m. Ducks win. BIG SHOCK. They also filled the Anaheim Pond with fans for their final game, which is something the NHL's Ducks don't always do. More importantly, I begin to wonder how I'll be able to make it through the third film.

2:00 p.m. I've now begun D3, widely regarded (by people who regard these types of things) as the worst Mighty Ducks movie and a decent case study for the effects of puberty. It's been four years since they filmed the first movie and some of the "high schoolers" now have 5 o'clock shadows and wedding rings.

2:15 p.m. All the Ducks have been given full scholarships to a private school called Eden Hall, while Coach Emilio took a full-time gig at the Goodwill Games. The Varsity squad isn't stoked on all the attention the new signees are getting, and therein lies the plot or something.

2:51 p.m. They keep calling one of the players "Banksy," and now I'm back to thinking of memes where the kid is painting a street mural of very political duck.

3:30 p.m. I've completely tuned out as the team pays tribute to Hans (who died?) by touching the ice before the big game, which is described as a "Norwegian sign of respect," but is legitimately nowhere on the Internet as a real thing. A professional Mighty Duck, Paul Kariya, appears briefly and reads his lines like Al Qaeda is holding him hostage.

3:37 p.m. Our Ducks beat the mean Varsity squad in an unimportant scrimmage, a rather sad way to end a three-film victory streak. Good news for Jews though, Goldberg scored the winning goal and probably had a knish after the game. Emilio watches from the locker-room hallway, then walks away with a smirk, presumably to find another single mother to ignore for two films after having sex with her.

And that's it. I got through all three of these films, none the wiser. Unsurprisingly, this did not change my mind about hockey, but it did make me question "cinema" as a whole. I guess I have to live with the idea that I will never be a hockey fan, and what films I've seen, or haven't seen, has nothing to do with that.

Instead, I'll be avoiding tonight's Game 1 and drinking my leftover Molson Ice to a real Joshua Jackson classic: Dawson's Creek on DVD. Once a Duck, always a Duck.

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