It's time for another installment of the Rolling Stone "Everything Index," our weekly guide to pop-culture's rule breakers, deal makers, movers and shakers.
Using advanced algorithms and a few coin flips, we've determined the Top 20 moments, memes and music that will define the next seven days. That means Game of Thrones, melting ice sheets, TV three-ways and alcohol ... plenty of alcohol. Here's our fearless forecast of the week ahead. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to hide from Solange.
1. "A Trial By Combat:" Tyrion Lannister steals a page out of the RS conflict-management handbook on Sunday's Game of Thrones. If you really want that stapler, you better be prepared to die for it.
2. Solange Knowles: Beyoncé's sister goes nuts, allegedly attacks Jay Z in an elevator. How she managed to do it while still riding Bey's coattails is beyond us.
3. Louie: If you didn't know who Sarah Baker was before Monday's episode, you certainly do now. In its fourth season, C.K.'s series continues to amaze in unexpected ways. Last Week: #5
4. The Black Keys' Turn Blue: Swampy, stony new LP from the Keys splits the difference between their primal past and poppy present. Totally makes Patrick Carney's Instagram shenanigans worth it.
5. Michael Sam: Makes history as first openly gay player drafted in NFL, briefly saves us from ESPN's round-the-clock coverage of Johnny Manziel. Even Pat Robertson likes him for that.
7. Ménage à Don: The Drapers spice up Mad Men with a California three-way. Still not as sexy as Ginsberg slicing off his nipple, but maybe that's just us.
8. Shovels: So hot right now. The weapon of choice for lawn-brawling teens everywhere.
9. Your Favorite TV Show Getting Canceled: Now you'll have to spend more time talking to your stupid boyfriend. Even worse, you'll never find out what happened on Mixology.
10. Mariah Carey's Batshit New Album: Now with divorce rumors! The year's most anticipated release is also the gift that keeps on giving. Last Week: #1
11. The West Antarctic Ice Sheet: Massive frozen field has begun to melt, potentially dooming us all. What did we ever do to it?
13. Kitty Cohen: Badass 101-year-old throws out amazing first pitch at Blue Jays game, automatically contributes more than Josh Johson did all of last season.
14. Donald Sterling's Mea Culpa: Disgraced Clippers owner throws Magic Johnson under the bus during "apology" interview. Soon after, three members of his public-relations team walk into actual traffic. Last Week: #16
15. Going on Vacation For a Week: If you want to know about the pop-culture happenings in the Virgin Islands, let us know.
16. The Weather Channel's Twitter Account: Our go-to source for storm warnings, tornado watches and poorly considered jabs at anti-bullying activists. All our iPhone does is insult us with its battery life.
17. American Craft Beer Week: Our nation's seven-day celebration of quality brews began Monday. So when we got drunk at lunch yesterday, were we just being patriotic?
18. Neil Young and Jack White: Dynamic duo team up, make record during Tonight Show appearance. All Jay Leno ever made on the show was a shit-ton of money.
19. The Slow Death of American Idol: Ratings for long-running singing show hit an all-time low. Brian Dunkleman wisely avoided this moment by bailing 12 years ago.
20. Blended: Like, who thought this would be a good idea?