Right now, in the Rolling Stone Everything Index: Taylor Swift has a plan to save the music industry – optimism! – and a drunk lady inspires millions by stealing a horse. Imagine if those two were reversed.
We've also got Miley Cyrus getting weird with the Flaming Lips, Coldplay chilling with Cat Power and a cautionary tale of what happens when you combine weed with The Simpsons (no, it doesn't make "Kill the Alligator and Run" any better). Here's our pop-culture power rankings for the week ahead.
1. Taylor Swift's Wall Street Journal Op-Ed: In wide-eyed editorial, Taylor writes that the value of an album is "based on the amount of heart and soul an artist has bled" into it. By that logic, Britney Spears albums should be free.
2. The Drunk Lady Who Stole a Horse in Alabama, Then Rode it to a Robbery: Inspiring, if only for the following sentence: "Officers recovered three cans of Keystone Light in a Walmart bag that was tied to the saddle horn."
3. Miley Cyrus and the Flaming Lips: Pop wild child gets weird with the Lips in new clip. Drugs aren't always awesome, guys.
4. Lorde's Using Spotify: "Royals" singer disses iTunes on Twitter, says she's using Spotify "because it's easier." If you can find a more millennial sentence than that one, please let us know.
6. Fake Star Wars: Episode VII Footage: Oddly, more compelling that actual Star Wars: Episode I footage.
7. AMC Adding Fully Reclining Seats: Theater chain will spend $600 million to upgrade seating. For when the sociopolitical subplots of Transformers are too much and we just need a nap.
9. Six Flags Roller Coasters: Dozens trapped on Magic Mountain ride after tree branch falls onto the track. Mr. Six's desperate flailing was either a rescue attempt, or an involuntary response to "We Like to Party."
11. Larry David: Seinfeld co-creator and chief curmudgeon says he hasn't watched the show in years. He was too busy trying to figure out who left the ring on Susie's antique table.
12. Death From Above 1979 Return: Doomy dance-punk act rises from the dead with shit-hot new single "Trainwreck 1979," makes us nervous that we might have to start writing about "electroclash" again.
13. Coldplay and Chan Marshall's "Wish I Was Here:" Chris Martin and Co. team with Cat Power on title track from Zach Braff film. Beautiful and maudlin, kind of like Garden State was trying to be.
14. Self-Serve Beer Machines in Minnesota: Twins unveil "Pour Your Own Beer" machine at Target Field. We knew there was a reason they're hosting the MLB All-Star Game.
15. CIA Disavows any Knowledge of Tupac's Whereabouts: They said so on Twitter. The NSA, on the other hand, has his phone records and all of his emails.
16. Chris Bosh: Eternal third cog of Miami Heat's Big Three "seriously considering" $88 million offer from the Houston Rockets. Meanwhile, we're seriously considering some guy in Houston's $88 offer for our entire CD collection.
17. Paris Hilton's New Single: Heiress and Cash Money employee drops "Come Alive," makes us wish we never had.
18. Slovakian Trolley-Line Pallet Skateboarding: All the cool kids (in Central Europe) are doing it. How long until they start ghostriding the forklift?
20. The World Cup: Remember? This is the thing you cared about last week.