It's time for another installment of Rolling Stone's "Everything Index," our midweek ranking of pop culture's power players.
In the wake of last night's State of the Union snapfest (a.k.a. Barack Obama: Raw), this week's list has a decidedly Democratic bent, though we're not about to forget our roots. That doesn't mean we're about to wax nostalgic about our time in the Hardee's biscuit line – instead, we're returning to a simpler era, when we could make jokes about Justin Bieber without fear of reproach (or egging) and flaunt our superiority complex like nobody's business. In other words, it's pretty much just like every other week.
So before Joni Ernst blinks, let's get to our midweek hitlist: the good, the bad and Everything in between. It's time to do some Indexing.
1. Barack Obama: Totally slays in State of the Union speech, drops the mic on his detractors with awesome "I won both of them" jab. Finally, the smooth-talking, socialism-espousing separatist is in the building.
2. The Justin Bieber Roast: Finally, JB will be allowed to stay up past his bedtime. Up next? A big-boy bike, without training wheels.
4. Christina Milian's Desperation: Former pop/R&B sorta-star "spontaneously" gets her nipple pierced during premiere episode of new E! reality series. All the Gatorade in the world cannot quench her thirst.
5. American Sniper: Noted cultural critic Sarah Palin's favorite film of the year. Apparently, Captain America: The Winter Soldier wasn't jingoistic enough for her.
6. Bjöyncé: Everyone's favorite Icelandic faerie princess pulls a Beyoncé, surprise-releases her Vulnicura album. We can't wait to see her "Partition" video!
7. Fox News' "No-Go" Gaffe: Rupert Murdoch's false-narrative machine gets glitchy, actually admits it erred in reporting on supposed Sharia law "safe-havens" in the U.K. and Europe. When will they get around to apologizing for the past decade?
10. A "Trash Coffin": California man survives tumble into garbage truck by building himself a sarcophagus made of actual trash. Your move, Joni Ernst.