Welcome back to Rolling Stone's "Everything Index," our midweek ranking of pop culture's power players.
It's a new year, but we're still grinding the same old axe: Namely, making fun of Kim Kardashian. But this week, we're also keeping tabs on The Bachelor, marveling at Joe Biden and complaining about the Coachella lineup – actually, that's the same stuff we were doing last year, too. Guess there's no point trying to change.
So before we sign up for SoulCycle, let's get to this week's chart: the good, the bad and Everything in between. It's time to do some Indexing.
1. Joe Biden's Swearing-In Ceremony: Vice President once again delivers the goods while welcoming new and re-elected senators to the Hill. Part Borscht Belt comedian, part slightly intoxicated uncle – it's just Biden being Biden.
3. The Coachella Lineup: AC/DC, Jack White and Drake top the bill for Indio's annual floppy hat fest, but we can't wait to see Florence and the Marina and the Fitz and the Tantrums.
4. Kim Kardashian: Claims she's responsible for half-sister Kendall Jenner's modeling career, is the target of Charlie Sheen's vitriolic screeds, gets wardrobe reboot from Kanye. Seriously, 2015 is only one week old at this point.
5. New Earth: Astronomers discover eight new planets, including three "Earth twins." Big deal – do any of them have a Starbucks?
6. Florida Couple Freed From Unlocked Closet: Tatted-up duo spends two days hiding in feces-filled janitor's closet at Daytona State College after "someone chased them there." The weirdest part of the story? Daytona Beach has a college.
7. Sharks Attack the Internet: "Curious and confused" sharks may be chomping through underwater cables in the Pacific Ocean, causing massive Internet outages. Turns out they don't want to read your Facebook updates either.
8. Bill Cosby Returns to the Road: Amid protests, embattled comedian gets back to performing, promises fans "the show of their life." Somehow, we believe that's an understatement.
9. Candy Crush Soda Saga: As addictive as cigarettes laced with crack cocaine and Béarnaise sauce, probably twice as bad for you.
10. New Year's Resolutions: Ours was to stop writing about Kim Kardashian.