Welcome back to the latest installment of Rolling Stone's Everything Index, where we rank the week's pop-culture power players, none of whom have to wait in line for iPhones. That's what assistants are for.
Speaking of, if you're feeling woozy today, congrats: you've either been infected with iOS 8, or a rare respiratory virus currently terrifying the Midwest. Don't worry, we've got you covered regardless, as both Apple's big announcement and the EV-D68 enterovirus made this week's countdown. So did One Direction, Taylor Swift and the Olive Garden, two of which are far more deadly than a viral outbreak. Let's get Indexing.
1. iPhone 6: Apple's new game-changing gadget comes with larger screen, sapphire glass and near-field communication technology, none of which will make you any less of an asshole if you wait in line for one.
2. One Direction's New Album: Is called Four. Something tells us there probably won't be a Five.
3. Things We Learned in Taylor Swift's Rolling Stone Cover Story: Her iPhone is covered in kitten stickers; if she had to compare herself to one Girls character, it would be Shoshanna; she has a cat named after Law & Order: Special Victims Unit's Olivia Benson. For those keeping score at home, those are reasons 23,988-90 why we love her.
4. EV-D68: Rare respiratory virus sickens hundreds of children in Kansas City. It was either that or the molasses-based BBQ sauce.
5. Olive Garden's "Never-Ending Pasta Pass:" America's leading purveyor of breadsticks – and "Hospitaliano" – unveils seven-week, all-you-can-eat pasta plan. It costs $100; the type-two diabetes is complimentary.
6. Ray Rice: Ravens RB is cut by team, suspended by league after new footage of him punching fiancée surfaces. Good riddance. Related: if your fantasy team is named Beats by Ray, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate a few things.
7. Adam Levine: It's been a week, and we still can't believe he's that good at impressions.
8. It's Fashion Week in New York City: Everyone in the RS office is marking the occasion by wearing their Alexander Wang plaid button-ups.
9. Gene Simmons Declares "Rock is Dead:" KISS CEO gets his Matlock on, proclaims rock & roll was "murdered" by filesharing. He'd take the case, but we all know how he feels about pro bono work.
10. Iggy and Ariana on SNL: The queens of summer supposedly locked in to perform on season premiere later this month. Shoot, at this point, they should just let them host "Weekend Update."
11. Miley Cyrus, Fluxus Artist: Pot-obsessed pop star picks up the glue gun, creates "neo-dadaist collages of childlike detritus" that will be on display at V Magazine's NYC office later this week. "I just sit around and smoke weed anyway, so I might as well sit around, smoke weed and do something," she explains. Hey, just like Nam June Paik!
12. James Corden Taking Over The Late Late Show: CBS taps Brit comedian as Craig Ferguson's replacement. Remember, in England, his weight is measured in Pound sterling.
13. Fantasy Football: At the moment, more appealing that actual football.
14. The Jennifer Aniston Comeback: Inevitable, after former Friend generates Oscar buzz with dark-and-depressed role in Cake. For research, she went back and watched Wanderlust.
15. Tom Hiddleston Does Hank Willams: Dude who plays Loki pulls the ultimate prank, performs Hank's "Move It On Over" at Michigan's Wheatland Music Festival. Not to be outdone, Chris Hemsworth did a full set as Jimmie Rodgers.
16. Boardwalk Empire Returns: HBO's great "I'll watch it because it's on" drama begins its final season. Good thing The Leftovers is here to pick up the mantle.
17. Roger Federer: The Swiss Maestro continues his march to immortality with another US Open title. Oh, wait, he didn't win?
18. The End of The Sims: Reports say if latest edition of life-sim series isn't a hit, there won't be another game. Think how many more of these people you'll have to deal with in public if that happens.
19. Katy Perry's "Pizza Nails:" Apparently, she's sporting them in her "This Is How We Do" video. We were too busy focusing on the "looking all Japanese-y" line.
20. The Fischerspooner Book: NYC performance (don't call them "electroclash") troupe to release career-spanning retrospective. It's only 25 pages long, and all of it takes place in 2002.