Welcome back to the Rolling Stone "Everything Index," where we rank the week's pop-culture power players, whether they like it or not.
This week, it's all about the triumphant return of Dave Chappelle...plus hidden old-man wang, U.S. goalkeepers (allegedly) beating up their sisters, ancient plagues and whatever the heck is happening between Lana Del Rey and Frances Bean Cobain. Oh, and for all the geeks out there, we've got not one, but two different Star Wars mentions! See, all that time spent studying Shyriiwook wasn't a waste.
We crunched the numbers, and here's the result: Our pop-culture power rankings for the next seven days.
2. Nathan Fielder's Instagram Account: Nathan For You genius promotes upcoming second season of show (and subtly defies Instagram's community guidelines) by hiding old-man dong in his pics. Next week, we re-brand this space as "the Everything Indicks."
3. Hope Solo: "Intoxicated and upset" soccer star arrested for allegedly beating up her relatives. Her sister flopped.
5. Ancient Plagues: Archaeologists in Egypt uncover evidence of a plague that killed millions. Who knew General Motors had been at it this long?
6. Robin Thicke's "Get Her Back" Video: Crooner's latest attempt to win back his estranged wife? An embarrassing music video. So long as she doesn't mind oversharing, it might work. Oh, wait...
7. Frances Bean Tells Lana Del Rey to Sit Down: Kurt and Courtney's badass daughter takes maudlin singer to task for "I wish I was dead already" quote. LDR backtracks. Point, Cobain.
8. Rian Johnson, King of all Geeks: Director behind best-ever ep of Breaking Bad, films like Brick and Looper signs on to helm Star Wars: Episode VIII. When the news broke, we went from flaccid to erect in .02 parsecs.
10. The Leftovers: Reality not depressing enough for you? Good news, HBO's latest wrist-slitting drama premieres Sunday!
12. Snowpiercer: The greatest dystopic-train-class-warfare-Captain-America-fights-Tilda-Swinton-South-Korean movie of all time opens on Friday!
13. New Emojis: More than 250 characters coming to your phone! Good news: A middle finger is one of them. Bad news (for everyone in our contacts): A middle finger is one of them!
15. Jersey Boys: Taking a cue from its director, Clint Eastwood's latest plays to empty seats.
16. New Interpol: NYC band return with noirish new single "Anywhere." Proof that, these days, if you do one thing reasonably well, you can last three times as long as Joy Division.
17. Rising Star Tanks in the Ratings: ABC's heavily promoted interactive singing competition stumbles out of the gate. To be fair, most Josh Groban fans are still trying to figure out how to use "the clicker."
19. The NBA Draft: Several teenage millionaires sitting around in a tiny room in Brooklyn. Otherwise known as Williamsburg.
20. Julian Casablancas and the Voidz: Lest you doubt his commitment to authenticity, Strokes singer's new band features at least one totally ridiculous mustache.