Son of a Beach: Peter Matthew Bauer on Kevin Love's 'Kokomo' Problem

The former Walkmen member returns to cover the NBA for 'Rolling Stone'

Kevin Love
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Kevin Love
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Peter Matthew Bauer is a former member of the Walkmen. His debut solo album, Liberation!, is out June 24th on Mexican Summer. In the meantime, he has agreed to write about the NBA playoffs for Rolling Stone. Here, he gets on board with the Popovich plan, and expresses his hatred for Mike Love. 

Peter Matthew Bauer on the NBA's loveable losers and Lord Saturn

I would like to start this NBA update with a promise: I will never miss another Gregg Popovich press conference ever again. I've been saying "I don't know what you are talking about" for two days now, no matter what anybody asks me, then trying to mimic his death stare. It's an interview technique that reminds me a lot of when Billy Bob Thornton went on Canadian radio and refused to admit he was an actor.

Over the last few years, while driving hopelessly down the New Jersey Turnpike, or the Ohio Turnpike, or the Florida Turnpike, or one of those particularly grim English highways, I'd watch that interview and then a little bit of Billy Bob's show in Toronto the next night. It really made the miles fly by. I'd also recommend "Bill O'Reilly Freaking Out (Original Video)" if you somehow haven't seen it. Oh! Another great one is Mike Love's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame speech – which brings us to the big NBA story of the week.

The Timberwolves are trading Kevin Love. Or, to put it another way, they have to trade Kevin Love.

It was only recently brought to my attention that Kevin is, in fact, the nephew of #1 rock & roll villain Mike Love of the Beach Boys! What a weird and eerie coincidence that two people who have been totally lousy leaders of their respective organizations are from the same family. Wait until Kev "Kokomo's" all over Carmelo or Kobe next year to see what I'm talking about. I just really hope he doesn't go to the Kings – who feature their own Brian Wilson-esque troubled genius, DeMarcus Cousins – as well as several other dudes who really don't need some jerk bullying them into making everything about surfing and girls and rad times.

If that happens, I don't think there are enough Bill O'Reilly freakouts on the Internet to cure me by next season.

Playoffs-wise, everything is going according to plan. I've started rooting for Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook while also rooting for the Spurs because I'm kind of a mixed up dude who doesn't really like any of these teams enough to commit. If you're looking for betting advice, go with Spurs in 7, if only because it makes it a little more likely that Kevin Durant will someday play for Washington.

In the Indiana/Miami series, I'm really pulling for Indiana because they obviously have no chance. Also because Lance Stephenson is a role model for lunatics everywhere. While I actually thought blowing in LeBron's ear was pretty great, the look in his eye when he snuck into Miami's huddle was very, very creepy. What do you think Lance does when he's back in the hotel after the game, watching his highlights on SportsCenter? Do you think he feels kind of silly after the fact? Do you think he even knows he's on TV? Maybe he just hangs out in the bathroom and makes funny faces at himself in the mirror.

I'd like to leave you now with a few quotes from Mike Love that I found on the Internet:

"I am always thinking of those kinds of things when I am writing a lyric – same as I did with 'Kokomo,' which was No. 1 in 1988, whereas Brian's solo album came out and didn't have one hit record on it."

"I like to see a group or person entertain me ... that's why I wear my gold lamé jacket and turban. Even though Carl dresses pretty spiffy too, the rest of the group doesn't care so much. Of course, just because Al Jardine hasn't changed his underwear since the Japan tour in sixty-five; I mean you can't ask for everything."

Oh and here's one about the Beach Boys trip to meet the Maharishi:

"Not for fortune or for fame but for enlightenment we came. I was at the breakfast table when Paul McCartney came down with his acoustic guitar playing 'Back in the U.S.S.R.' I said, 'You ought to put something in about all the girls around Russia,' and he did."

Good luck Ricky Rubio!! To brighter tomorrows!!