Not to disparage the talents of Jeff Foxworthy, Tony Danza or, uh, Lance Armstrong, but hosting the ESPY Awards appears to be a pretty easy gig: just show up, give Pete Weber his damn "Best Bowler" trophy and get the hell out of the way.
That's why we were pretty pumped to learn that Drake will emcee the 2014 ESPYs, set for July 16th in Los Angeles. As he proved during his recent stint as SNL host, he's pretty comfortable leading a broadcast (and pretty funny, too), and we'd like to believe that he's at least partially responsible for the Toronto Raptors' rather remarkable turnaround – after all, what else does a "global ambassador" do?
In short, Drake's pretty much already the greatest ESPY host of all time … but just in case you're still not convinced, here are 10 reasons why we're counting down the days until he takes the stage. Sorry, Samuel L., our minds are made up.
1. His opening monologue will be six minutes long, feature zero choruses.
3. Owls everywhere.
4. Noah "40" Shebib will serve as house DJ, only play cuts from ESPN's Jock Jams, Volume 4.
5. Interactions with Los Angeles Dodgers' outfielder Matt Kemp sure to be really awkward.
6. Will finally get to see the Kentucky Wildcats win something in person.
7. Who else will console a disheveled Jon Hamm when he stumbles onstage, mistakenly believing that he was asked to host the ESPYs again this year?
8. Drake will cause a minor outrage when he presents the "Best Outdoor Sportsman" award to Jacob Powroznik, especially since everyone knows it should have gone to A.R.E. Truck Caps Bassmaster Elite champion Mike McClelland.
9. His performance of "Hold On, We're Going Home" will instantly become the second-most memorable musical moment in ESPY history, after 1995 host John Goodman's haunting version of "Hallelujah."
10. Drake and Johnny Manziel: #TrueDetectiveSeason2