Donkey-Dick Defendant Court Transcript: 10 Greatest Lines

Accused murderer asks for new lawyer, all he gets is sexually rejected by judge

Credit: West Coast Surfer/DPA/Zuma

"If you're not going to suck my dick, sir, I don't want to be here," the inmate says to the court. "OK. I've enjoyed this," the judge responds.

Thus concluded murder suspect Denver Fenton Allen's actual, real-life pre-trial hearing in a Georgia courtroom last week, which was brought to the public's attention by law blogger Keith Lee. What began as an oral motion in front of Judge Bryant Durham to dismiss his court-appointed attorney quickly devolved into a perfect comedy routine – or an offensive disregard for court order, depending on how you look at it – perhaps the only time on record that a defendant has been informed of his "constitutional right to be a dumbass."

Allen, who is charged with beating a fellow county-jail inmate to death in 2015, had alleged to the court that his lawyer demanded oral sex and was withholding documents — crime scene photos, the coroner's report — that he was legally entitled to see. "I've seen other people go to trial on murder charges," he says. "I've seen what you're supposed to get." Judge Durham, it seems, did not care. Allen was told that he would have the appointed public defender or none at all. "You don't know anything about representing a jury, do you?" he asks. "Do you know anything about cross-examining witnesses?... Do you know anything about criminal procedure?" Allen does not. "I know I don't have to let this guy suck my dick to get some legal representation," he replied. 

So begins the greatest exchange in the history of American criminal justice. 

"You know something, this is going to be an interesting trial."
After the initial "go fuck yourself" from Mr. Allen, the court holds him in contempt, adding an additional 20 days in jail for every outburst. "Forty days," says the judge. "Fuck you again." "Sixty." "Go fuck yourself." "A year." "Your mamma." "Ten years." "Suck my dick." The defendant not only demonstrates how to actually give zero fucks, but proves what we all knew in middle school: that "Your mamma" is the best comeback, no matter the situation.

"I don't think that's going to get you a fair trial unless you have every one of the jurors do it." 

While Allen may care little about courtroom civility, he certainly wants a fair trial. So he offers what any reasonable person accused of murder might suggest: to let the presiding judge perform fellatio on his "big old donkey dick." Durham, for his part, just wants to help, and says that he would probably have a better chance at an impartial hearing if he extended the offer to the jury. He was obviously elected for his overwhelming sense of fairness.

"I didn't call you [a queer.] I said you looked like one."
After hearing about the alleged size of Allen's penis, the judge offers that it must be a hit with the ladies. "I don't fuck girls," the defendant replies, because obviously this is relevant to the murder case at hand, and to the competence of the public defender he's here to fire. "I fuck white boys.... with big butts."  Judge Durham points out, using incredibly outdated and offensive terminology, that he looks like a homosexual. "So now you're calling me a queer in the courtroom," the defendant replies, rightly upset with the judge's use of a homophobic epithet. Durham corrects him in the most lawyerly way: he didn't call him one, he just said he looked like one. If this is the semantic skill he'll have to compete with, maybe Allen really isn't cut out to defend himself.

"Can we get a court order to get my dick sucked, sir?"
Here the defendant is doing his best to act like his own counsel in the courtroom, respectfully asking for an official directive for oral sex. "You're cute," the judge replies with a smile. "I bet all the inmates just love you to death." "You're not supposed to smile in court," says the defendant, who seems to be not entirely clear on the rules of courtroom interaction. "I'll bet everyone enjoys sucking your cock," replies the judge. It would be nice to think this was just him demonstrating actual things judges shouldn't on the bench, though it's probably just a sign that Durham is losing patience with his afternoon hearing.

"Suck my dick, you fuckman."

There is no reason that this man should not be allowed to represent himself, he's obviously clear on the technical terminology used in American courts. 

"I will murder your whole family. I'll cut your children up into pieces. I'll knock their brains out with a fucking hammer and feed them to you."
OK, things are turning dark. Can we have the dick-sucking jokes back, please?

"You got to have a big old mouth to get this dick in." "I sure do."
There we go. Just as this was getting into weird serial killer territory, judge and defendant get back to what is at worst a complete disregard to the legal system, and at best a working script for an upcoming story-porn. After the judge accuses Allen of being fixated on butts and dicks, the defendant clarifies that he is, in fact, fixated on the judge's mouth. "You've got a nasty mouth, sir," he says. "Oh, I have an awful mouth," replies the judge, begging the question why cameras weren't present for this hearing. "You have a big old fat mouth." "I do." You got to have a big old mouth to get this dick in it." "I sure do." "All right." "Yep," replies the judge." "I'm proud of it." 

"Come on. Jack off."

Wherein an officer of the Floyd County, Georgia, legal system requests from the bench that a murder defendant remove his penis from his pants and pleasure himself in front of the court. Yet he won't allow the cuffs to come off the suspect, so really, he's just teasing. 

"How can I have grandkids if I don't have any kids?"
Allen once again threatens to murder the judge's entire family with a hammer, though this time he provides dialogue. "The babies will be going, 'Daddy, Daddy, help me,'" he says. There's only one problem, the judge says. He doesn't have any kids. "Well then I'll get your nieces, your nephews, your sister." "I don't have any of those either." Then Allen threatens his grandchildren, which, as the judge points out, is a physical impossibility since he doesn't have kids. Perhaps the best proof in the entire transcript that Allen does not have the abilities with logic that would be integral in defending himself in court.

"Suck my dick, sir." "OK." "I'm subpoenaing y'all's ass in the courtroom."
As the hearing comes to a close, Allen decides that if he's not going to receive fellatio, he might as well go. Escorted by officials, he leaves the courtroom, but not before declaring that he'll be subpoenaing the judge – whether it's for misconduct or a blow job is not entirely clear. But either way, he once again proves his undisputed mastery of the English language, courtroom procedure, and how to unsuccessfully go about asking for oral sex. Here's hoping the trial transcripts are half as juicy. 

A call to the judge's office confirmed the transcript's veracity, though no one could provide comment at this time. You can read the entire transcript here