By now, you've no doubt read the hilariously outrageous, if somewhat homophobic, courtroom exchange between an accused murderer and the Georgia judge who refused his request for a new public defender. In the course of 10 minutes, defendant Denver Allen's profanity-laden insults towards "Fuckman-Ass" Judge Bryant Durham devolved from bold declarations about his intent to "jack off" on His Honor with his "donkey dick," to violent threats against the judge's nieces, nephews, sisters and grandkids (none of which Judge Bryant has, apparently). When finding Allen in contempt of court didn't stop his tirade, Judge Bryant tried adding days, weeks and finally years to Allen's sentence, to no avail, so he finally taunted back, "Come on. Jack off. Jack off right now." A round of applause for the court reporter who managed to get every word down!
Court proceedings are usually rather stuffy affairs, but occasionally, someone – usually a defendant – just can't help but cause a ruckus. Here are some other WTF courtroom moments
Judge Forces Defendant to Remove Bags of Weed From Underwear
Back in May, Hamilton County, Ohio, Judge Bernie Bouchard was not amused to enter his courtroom and be smacked in the face with the skunky stench of marijuana. He gave whoever was holding the contraband the opportunity to come forward before bringing in the drug dogs. Lo and behold, the offender was none other than the defendant, Darius Dabney, prompting the following delightful exchange:
MR. DABNEY: I smoked marijuana before I got here.
THE COURT: Okay. Well, do you have it on you?
MR. DABNEY: No, sir.
THE COURT: Well, it doesn't smell to me like burnt.
MR. DABNEY: I'm cool then.
THE COURT: You're safe, you think?
MR. DABNEY: I know I am.
THE COURT: What time did you smoke it?
MR. DABNEY: Shit, like since 9:00, 9:15. I'll be honest about that....
THE COURT: What's your name? Do you remember that?
MR. DABNEY: I don't know that right now.
At that point, Judge Bouchard told Dabney he was holding him in contempt, making him spend a night in jail and giving him a $1,000 fine. But Dabney's conscience wasn't yet completely clean:
THE COURT: Now, listen to me, Mr. Dabney. If you got it on you it's going to be a felony when they strip you over there so I'll give you one last time to tell me if you have any unburnt marijuana on you. I'm giving you — oh, ah-ha.
(Defendant pulled a bag of marijuana out of his pants.)
THE COURT: Okay. So finally you came clean. If there's anything else, this is your opportunity. We're going to destroy it. Are you sure?
(Defendant pulled another bag of marijuana out of his pants.)
THE COURT: Oh my lord. Anything else, I mean, because —
THE DEFENDANT: No.
THE COURT: Mr. Dabney, I'm telling you — now why would you do that? Why would you bring that much pot to court?
THE DEFENDANT: I forgot it in my car, sir.
THE COURT: You forgot it in your underwear.
Georgia Judge Dismisses Woman's $10 Billion Lawsuit, She Responds With 9-Page Bleep-filled Court Filing
In 2014, Judge Willis B. Hunt Jr. dismissed the majority of the claims in Florida woman Tamah Clark's $10 billion lawsuit against Georgia officials – for what she considered to be the wrongful arrest, conviction and incarceration of her husband five years prior – calling them "nonsensical." In response, Clark filed a nine-page response with the court succinctly titled "To F*ck This Court and Everything It Stands For." What starts as a simple rant soon devolves into a questionable attempt at a legal argument, then into what must have been some of the most hilarious personal threats the judge had heard all week. "Just for the record: you're a hoe," she writes. "This court is a hoe. And I will backhand you both, should you continue to waste my time." While Clark's rant was delivered in print, she probably would have preferred to call Judge Hunt an "little b*tch," and an "impotent geezer" in person.
"Judge Lard Ass" Jails Foul-Mouthed Brisbane Man for Attempted Murder
In June 2014, David Allan Baker was due to stand trial for attempted murder, but things got off to rough start when he fired his solicitor, leading the rest of his legal team to quit. When Justice Martin Daubney informed the defendant that he would be left to represent himself, Baker lost it.
BAKER: Stick your f***ing trial up your ass.
THE COURT: That won't be happening to me.
BAKER: Well you can start your trial and stick it up your arse cause I'm not having anything to do with it.
THE COURT: Sit down.
BAKER: No you get f***ed.
THE COURT: Sit down. …
BAKER: You're not going to f***ing tell me I'm going to be representing meself at all. I need legal aid. I need representation and not you and or any other f***ing arseholes gonna tell me anything different.
THE COURT: Sit down, please.
BAKER: No, get stuffed.
THE COURT: If you don't sit down I'll have you manacled.
BAKER: You can f***ing have what you like mate. …
THE COURT: Mr. Bailiff, could you ask security to attend the court please.
BAKER: Do what you f***ing like. I've got no representation so that's it I'm not listening. I don't give a damn what you say .
BAKER: Oh, what do you want me to do? What do you want, a Mickey Mouse badge? … Stick it on your fat chest? Hey? What do you want? A Mickey Mouse badge. Come on fatso, what have you got to say for that?
Baker also called Daubney a "silly old cunt" and then demanded that he order pizza. Maybe he was just really, really hangry?
Defendant Calls Judge a "F**king Old C*nt With a Saggy Old Chin" on Facebook Days Before Court Appearance
New Zealander Troy LaRue ran into some serious bad luck in January 2016 – not only did he have to go to court over unpaid traffic fines, but the presiding judge happened to already be familiar with his antics. His social media antics, that is. Apparently, days before being summonsed, LaRue saw a news article about Judge Allan Roberts' retirement announcement, and for whatever reason, decided to make fun of the man's appearance on Facebook. When LaRue strolled into Roberts' courtroom a few days later, the judge had a preliminary matter to attend to.
THE COURT: It's a posting you created, isn't it?
DEFENDANT: Yeah, I was very intoxicated –
THE COURT: Read it out loud.
DEFENDANT: Says "fuck off."
THE COURT: Read it out word for word, your post please.
DEFENDANT: "LOL I hope the fuckers gone by Friday. HAHA. Fuck, nah fuckin cunt whose old face and saggy chin. Fuck off." …
THE COURT: Who were you talking about when you talk about "the fucking old cunt with the saggy old chin"?
DEFENDANT: Well, I guess I'm talking about you Sir.
THE COURT: Thank you.
DEFENDANT: And I, I don't know what to say about that but I do apologize. … All I can say is you got me on that one.
THE COURT: I got you cold mate. … Now you're hardly a picture yourself, are you?
DEFENDANT: Oh no. … I do apologize for that.
THE COURT: Damage done, Mr. La Rue. Don't give a toss.
Montana Defendant Calls Himself 'The Living Man,' Defends His Right to Fish Without a License
Ernie Tertelgte, 52, appeared in a Montana courtroom in September 2013 to defend himself against misdemeanor charges for fishing without a license. He argued that "universal law" allows him to hunt for food to feed himself, which seems reasonable enough. But he wore a three-cornered hat and objected when he was referred to my his legal name, insisting to Judge Wanda Drusch that he be called "the living man." It got weirder from there.
TERTELTGE: I am here in court today because I am making a special visitation; this is not an appearance, only spirits appear. Living men, living persons make special visitations. That's why I'm here; to make sure that you guys don't danger my truthful proper name.
THE COURT: Do you still live at 28 Flying Eagle in Manhattan?
TERTELTGE: That is a storage unit that I sleep in from time to time. I live in myself in this body. I am the living man. …
THE COURT: You were charged on the 31st of August of 2013 with obstructing a police officer in violation of 457302. You were also charged on the same day with resisting arrest in violation of 457301 of the Montana Code.
TERTELTGE: Those men were charged by me right back by staging an overthrow of the Constitution of 1789, an overthrow of the Bill of Rights, an overthrow of my rights to forage for food as a natural living person who was in hunger. I was searching for something to put in my stomach as I am recognized to be allowed to do by universal law. That has nothing to do with your corporate [fiction]…. I am not registered crap, I am the living man and I have the right to forage for food when I'm hungry.
Tertelge kept interrupting the Judge Drusch until she got fed up and threatened to send him to another room for the remainder of the proceedings.
TERTELTGE: Do not tell me to shut up! I am the living natural man and my voice will be heard. That is the Jolly Roger. That thing you call the American flag with the gold fringe around it is the Jolly Roger and you are acting as one of its privateers.
THE COURT: Okay. You're here on the charge of arrest, Mr. Terteltge. And resisting arrest. …
TERTELTGE: I do not understand any charges. I only understand universal law and the right to live: to live in peace and to live as I need to.
THE COURT: You pled not guilty in this…
TERTELTGE: I never plead, animals plead, sounds like baaaa, oink oink.
THE COURT: I have a paper with your signature on it, sir.
TERTELTGE: It says prime evidence standing right through it. You bring forward all natural forms of evidence that I'm not prime evidence. I am the living soil, the dirt, the water and the air has its own voice does it not? It also supports all forms of life does it not? I am a part of that life. I am not your corporate fiction. …
THE COURT: Are you prepared to tell the court, if you wish to go to trial on this matter?
TERTELTGE: This is a trial. Tell this is not…
THE COURT: No, this isn't a trial.
TERTELTGE: Here is my jury…
THE COURT: This is an omnibus hearing, sir.
TERTELTGE: You cannot produce a jury of my peers because all juries are selected from a pool of registered voters and the instant a person registers to vote their natural ability is averred to comprehend natural law has been dissolved and turned into fiction. There cannot be raised a jury of my peers. It cannot be done.
THE COURT: Excuse me for just a moment.
TERTELTGE: No way. Get back here and finish this. Hey. Hey. Get back here and finish this. The Judge has left the courtroom, there you go. There is nobody in this courtroom.
That's right – Judge Drusch got so tired of listening to Terteltge's mountain-hippie interpretation of the law, that she straight up walked out of the courtroom. He was eventually found guilty and fined $150 –but at least he became a sort of an internet legend, just as Denver Allen is destined to be.