Welcome to the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards — bringing the real craps to Vegas! It's always the TV party of the year. But it's just never the same without Britney, is it? She needs them; they need her. So who's nominated for awards this year? Well, I hate to get all "who cares" on you, but you know who cares? Me neither. You don't care who's nominated. I don't care. If Mariah Carey had a best friend Harry who had a brother Larry, HE wouldn't care. What we want to know is: Britney! In Vegas! Roll the bones!
8:20 PM: MTV's live Preshow Royale is already a red-carpet fashion clusterfuck, but nobody is going to top Lil' Mama's Bo Peep outfit. This woman is a lip-gloss shepherdess fashion goddess!
Lil' Mama, explaining her costume: "This is the birth of hip-pop, and I'm basically the baby of that. My album is coming soon, going to the young people, so we just celebrating that and just keeping it funky fresh with my stizzyle!" It's going to be that kind of night.
8:22 PM: SuChin Pak predicts that Nicole Scherzinger's live pre-show performance is going to be "blistering." Nice way to put it.
8:24 PM: Maybe if we put Pete Wentz and Nelly Furtado together we could get a not-totally-defeated-by-life smile? Probably not.
8:36 PM: What the hell kind of stripper name is Nicole Scherzinger? Even Lil Wayne admits he can't pronounce it. Shouldn't she be "Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls," just so people can tell what she's doing here? She looks a little shaky, but maybe she's not used to standing upright this far from a pole.
8:38 PM: Excuse me, we're halfway through the pre-show and nobody's mentioned Vanessa Hudgens yet? MTV, you disappoint me. Get Sarah Silverman out here, stat!
8:40 PM: SuChin did not lie ... I'm pretty blistered right now.
8:46 PM: Kanye: "If I win video of the year, that's good, because that goes down in history." You may want to discuss this with Sammy Hagar, Ye.
8:42 PM: PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAris!
8:49 PM: All right! An interview with Jennifer Garner and Jamie Foxx hyping their new movie, "The Kingdom." They literally cannot BELIEVE how hot this movie is! And now, let's cut — right into an AD FOR THE MOVIE!
8:51 PM: Calling Paris "a very lovely young lady" is like putting "SERVE WELL CHILLED" on a Zima. Sway, why in God's name are you letting her talk about her charity work and "just giving back"? Paris' haircut is SO PHILANTHROPIST.
9:00 PM: It's Britney, bitch! She CAME HERE FOR TROUBLE.
9:02 PM: Remember when Britney hit Vegas a few years ago for that HBO special in the white Elvis jumpsuit? Ah, Britney. Now that was a Britney Elvis move. I like the dancer in the eyepatch, though.
9:06 PM: Oh, Britney. That was not a not-terrible idea. Intensely reminiscent of Paula Abdul's rendition of "Vibeology" on the 1991 VMAs.
9:07 PM: Sarah Silverman's out of gas. We're only eight minutes into the show and it's already coated in suck dust.
9:12 PM: Whoever thought Alicia Keys would look better all botox'd out is probably the same person who thought Britney was ready to go back to public performance. Wait, we're getting live feeds from Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Pete Wentz, except these performances are not on the show?
9:13 PM: The scary thought is, Britney might not be the most depressing moment of the night.
9:15 PM: Rihanna just thanked Jay-Z for "helping me spread my wings"? How Rod Stewart is that? Eve, you're pretty foxy. Probably Lil' Mama's only fashion competition of the evening.
9:17 PM: Wait, they only let Kanye West do a couple minutes of his song? They're cutting him off? They have something better to cut to? Like, an ad for Newport Harbor? Seriously, does MTV even know the show is on?
9:21 PM: Oh, Britney. I'm watching it again during the commercial break and I literally cannot believe this is happening. It's like she gave up dancing two minutes into the song, and started trying to hide.
9:24 PM: Now we're back, and Akon is singing thirty seconds of his hit from a year ago, with a completely shitty wedding band behind him — who is that, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy? We're almost a half hour into the show, and the only star who's been allowed to do a whole song is Britney?
9:27 PM: Justin! "I wanna challenge MTV right now to play more videos!" Fuck, yeah! Congrats, Justin — you are now officially old. I wonder why he's in such a bubbly mood? Maybe because he just saw the Britney clip? Remember how sad he looked at the 2003 VMAs, watching Britney kiss Madonna? A little cheerier now, isn't he?
9:34 PM: When the Foo Fighters seem like a breath of fresh air, you can tell this show is bombing hard. Even the cellist looks like she's having more fun than the actual people on the show. Pat Smear's all like, "Sure, I understand why we're not on the main stage."
9:41 PM: I think we're all in agreeance, as Fred Durst would say, that this VMA show might be even worse than the one Diddy hosted. At least Diddy didn't do diarrhea jokes. What's strange is the terrible wedding swing-ska band is Mark Ronson, making me yearn for "Zoot Suit Riot." MTV keeps hyping the online extras for the show ... but where's the show? Seriously, this is Sunday night, right? Zima, do your magic!
9:46 PM: Rosario Dawson: "Southern hospitality is killing it right now!" And by "it," she means "the will to live of anybody watching this show and wondering why T.I. gets twenty seconds of airtime!" Now it's time for Chris Brown doing a Liza Minnelli-as-Charlie-Chaplin routine. Oh, joy. By the way, just in case you get Turner Classic Movies, right they're showing "Love & Death," one of Woody Allen's funniest movies. "Yeah, I'm back from the war — I would've stayed longer but they ran out of medals."
9:52 PM: Holy shit, they're playing the first thirty seconds of "Billie Jean," it's like somebody lifted the shades for a moment. And Michael Jackson isn't even here. Looks like some "surprise Michael Jackson appearance" check didn't cash out. Or maybe Chris Brown gave his DJ the gang sign for "I'm dying out here, put on some music."
9:54 PM: And the trophy for Worst Idea of the Night has swiftly gone from Britney to Sarah Silverman to Mark Ronson to RIHANNA KEEPING HER CLOTHES ON. Now THAT was a shitty idea.
9:59 PM: Letting Justin talk = letting Rihanna keep her clothes on.
10:04 PM: They just cut off Cee-Lo and the Foo Fighters doing "Darling Nikki." To go into a commercial for a reality show nobody will ever watch, then another ten seconds of Foo Fighters doing another song, into another commercial. The only people they've indulged with an entire song are Britney and Chris Brown, neither of whom brought a song. On the bright side, it looks like they're not bringing Sarah Silverman back.
10:11 PM: If you were Ludacris, wouldn't you refuse to go up onstage too? Maybe the only moment of lucid career self-preservation all night. What's going on with this show when the smartest, funniest line comes from from PAMELA ANDERSON? "I had my tongue so far down his throat I could taste his Beyoncé."
10:17 PM: Everybody's killing it in the comments section, but I have to give special shout to this one:
JJR | 9/9/2007, 10:05 pm EST
On behalf of the MTV Network, I would like to address the negative feedback we've been receiving about the new format for the show.Switching between performances allows us to Oooh look!
Where was I?
10:22 PM: Just grabbed a bit of "Love & Death" on TCM. Woody: "Nothingness "¦ non-existence "¦ black emptiness." Diane Keaton: "What did you say?" Woody: "Oh, I was just planning my future." Hey, he's watching the show too! Now here's Linkin Park urging us all to "Bleed It Out," not bad advice at all.
10:26 PM: Just watched Pamela Anderson again and she definitely said "fiancee" not "BeyoncÃ©" ... but Pete Wentz is obviously so drunk I can smell HIS BeyoncÃ©. Hey, who is that doing "Holiday in Cambodia" with the Foo Fighters? And why did they cut it off before the fucking chorus?
10:31 PM: Okay, that was Serj. He was pretty rad. I have a question: MANDY MOORE, WHERE ARE YOU? That girl in the shampoo commercial looked kind of like Mandy Moore and made me miss her, what with all the teen-pop rehab love they're giving Britney and Justin tonight. "You know who you are...Your love is as sweet as candy ... I'll be forever yours ... Love always, Mandy!" Let's see Rihanna top that.
10:35 PM: Rihanna + Fall Out Boy = something actually resembling popular music. That was actually really fucking great for ALL FORTY-FIVE SECONDS.
10:39 PM: Let me guess, Alicia — your favorite scene in The Bodyguard is the "Queen of the Night" bit, right? BTW, one of Robert Mitchum's best movies is on Turner Classic Movies tomorrow, "Blood on the Moon," a noir Western from 1948, 11:15 AM to 12:45 PM. Also has Barbara Bel Geddes, from Vertigo and Dallas. TiVo that shit! Oh, Alicia, you're still singing?
10:31 PM: Wait, where's George Michael? Alicia! Bad, Alicia, bad! When you do somebody else's song, they're supposed to mysteriously appear rising up out of the floor, like Stevie Wonder did when you sang "I Wish" a couple years ago. George Michael is pretty fucking stoked he blew off this show, don't you think? FREEDOM! FREEDOM!
10:47 PM: The Farrelly brothers are still making movies? Jamie Foxx is still on TV? The show is still on? Man, this night is full of sad shit. I agree with T-Cap — the Led Zep reunion has to happen. They could get up there with Mandy Moore and do "Your Time Is Gonna Come."
10:50 PM: Miss Teen South Carolina! Finally, a U.S. American! "In Da Club" sounds great — if you can't get a good new song, a good old song will do.
10:52 PM: "Our Surprise Musical Master..." that's gotta be Led Zeppelin. Tommy Lee and Kid Rock had a fight and they didn't get that onscreen because they were too busy hyping Jamie Foxx or Tila Tequila ... SAD. But not as sad as George Michael not showing up.
10:58 PM: Gym Class Fallout "¦ now that sounds like a good time, which we don't have to take our clothes off for. The TCM schedule is actually pretty hot tonight: Zelig, that's a good one, I Vitelloni one of my fave Fellini films, The Set-Up is a little hokey but still any noir with Robert Ryan is worth your time, Curse of the Cat People not really a sequel to Cat People, but a very affecting precursor to Pan's Labyrinth. Holy shit, the VMAs are still going on? Mary J and Dr. Dre? Uh, why? Is it his birthday?
10:59 PM: Looks like a Dre and Eminem reunion that was scheduled to happen BUT DIDN'T... MTV sure had bad luck with getting people to show up this year. Love Rihanna's handjob motion!!
11:00 PM: "We gotta stop the violence in rock & roll" — excellent!
11:05 PM: Queens of the Stone Age showed up to play with the Foo Fighters and they opted to broadcast eight seconds of it? The only thing that could redeem the final minutes of this show is Britney comes back out, announces "that was just a joke, y'all," and then makes out with Mandy Moore while Kid Rock and Tommy Lee and George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley beat the crap out of each other with Rihanna's umbrella-ella-ella! But instead, I see feathers. And ... Nelly Furtado? WHIIIIIIIIIFF!
11:08 PM: Help me, Justin-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
11:10 PM: Nice try, Timbaland and Justin ... but you waited WAAAAAAY too long for this "Get up out your seats" shit.
11:12 PM: Let me get this straight. The VMAs' big climax was NELLY FURTADO? Plus Justin and Timbaland doing the same shit they did better on last year's show? CHOKE! Take a bow, George Michael, Michael Jackson, Eminem and everybody else who didn't show up.
11:17 PM: You know how every year everybody says "that was the worst VMA show in history?" This time it's impossible to think anything else. I love Britney too much to feel any pleasure in what happened tonight, and all I can say is that in Britney world, "disaster" and "comeback" are on the same page of the dictionary. Because it's a short dictionary! And on that note, I'm going to go lock myself in the basement with a case of Zima and a shoebox of Mandy Moore cassingles. Thanks to everybody who watched along and suffered through this experience together — for the rest of our lives, we'll be recognizing Britney-shaped scars on each other's souls. Good night, y'all!