It seems like most of the time I turn on MTV they're playing America's Next Top Model. Tomorrow they're showing a seven-hour marathon of season four — which originally aired on the UPN three years ago. I won't get into the tired "MTV doesn't show videos anymore" rant, because clearly their audience just doesn't want to watch them. Besides, if I ever want to see classic videos there is always VH1 Classic — or at least there used to be. These days they're usually either showing Ghostbusters or Ratt: Behind The Music. I love hearing about how Ratt "grabbed the decade of decadence by the tail," but I liked it better when they showed nothing but random old videos. What other TV network would regularly air "Mexican Radio" and "Eminence Front?" It's just not the same seeing those things on YouTube. I need to see Stan Ridgway's face rise from the platter of beans on my big screen . It's time for MTV to shake things up. Here's what I would do if I was in charge:

1. Start a new digital network called MTV Classic. Every day they could show a twenty-four hour block from MTV's past. One day, a "Spring Break" broadcast from 1993. The next day, October 24 1986. It should be completely random. If they can show the original commercials, all the better. I haven't seen The Head or Remote Control since those shows originally aired. It might even help revive the careers of long forgotten VJs like Kevin Seal. Who wouldn't love this network? They're sitting on a mountain of old tapes and digital networks seem to be a dime a dozen. Sumner Redstone could probably get this going with one phone call.

2. Vary the programming on VH1 Classic. Firing all the VJs was a great start. Now, stop showing the same shit over and over and over again. If I have to see that promo for "Classic Album" DVDs one more time I may have a stroke. And that William Shatner "One Hit Wonder" countdown? We've seen that. We've seen that a bajillion times. Show something else. Hair metal is a fine genre, but it's one of many. Why must half the specials or video blocks be devoted to it? I've heard Vince Neil tell the story about the time he nearly got into a fight with Axl on nineteen different programs over a ten-year period. Sometimes he tells it at some mock bar, other times he’s surrounded by candles on some set — but it's always the same story. Only so many things happened during hair metal's brief reign. We've heard about all of them. Show something else.

3. Make MTV bizarre again. The Tom Green Show, Liquid Television and The State were weird ass little shows. Take some risks and give clever young directors and writers a forum again. Where would Mike Judge be without MTV? Where would the world be without Mike Judge? We wouldn't have Office Space or Beavis and Butthead Do America. The next Mike Judge needs a TV forum, and he won't have one if MTV shows nothing but Date My Mom and The Ex-Factor.