To note the release of yet another dishwater dull new R.E.M. record, we'd like to take this opportunity to quote from their very own "Shiny Happy People" -- the Fatima Mansions version, that is: "Fuck your show business."

Think Suge's release from prison has some people nervous? It's gonna be like the ending of The Godfather -- ahem, we mean The Doggfather . . . Two problems with Guided by Voices' "Baba O'Riley" cover: 1. Pollard is now actually older than Daltrey. 2. His British accent is thicker . . . A guest shot on say, Friends, is obviously an agent's way of easing a has-been no-talent like, say, Winona Ryder or Dame Kathleen Turner, into accepting a crummy pilot next season . . .

Can anybody tell us why some dried apricots are chewy, tender and sweet, while others are just leathery and gross?

Worst Current Ad Line: "Chewy stops the chatter." Feeding your talkative toddler granola spiked with Baby Ruth is bad enough, but to come right out and say that you're doing it to shut them up? That's just bad parenting. Not that the little buggers don't need to be silenced, but shtupping them with candy is evil business . . .

Stereophonics suck . . . The commercials for Six Feet Under call to mind one word: Showtime. That talentless Alan Ball might be penetrating his boyfriend with his very own Oscar, but if American Beauty had been directed by, say, Stephen Herek, we wouldn't be discussing him right now . . .

Former members of Austin combo Sister 7 have started a new band by the name of Black Box Rebellion, which they only came up with after scratching such monikers as The Auterists and Symbionese Liberation Army . . .

Media critics are upset with CNN Headline News' hiring of Detective Jill Kirkendall, kvetching that the network is emphasizing star power over journalistic credentials. Still, let's get real -- this woman was the seventh billed, token second female on NYPD Blue. She's about as famous as Holly Firfer. And hey, doesn't giving an important entry-level anchor job to a woman over forty qualify as progress? Even if there are naked pictures of her on the Internet . . .

The Record We're Most Looking Forward To (After Amnesiac, Of Course): Billy Bob Thornton's solo debut, provisionally titled I've Fooled People Into Thinking I'm a Talented Filmmaker, Maybe They'll Buy Into This Shit Too. The Record We're Most Looking Forward To II: Steven Seagal's reggae album, which is currently being produced by Wyclef Jean, who really, really likes being a celebrity . . .

Gov. Gary Johnson of New Mexico wants to legalize weed. And he's a Republican! A Republican! May we be the first to say the following four words: Gary Johnson for President! . . . Think A Knight's Tale will be any good without Mel Gibson hanging around to tell Brian Helgeland what to do? Just remember, the last time this man directed a movie by himself was Dr. Giggles. How come The Ticking Man never got made anyway?

Mmmmm. Baby Ruth . . .

Don't tell anyone, but we think Sergei Brylin's kid peed in the Stanley Cup . . . This week's nominee for the full-on Maxim treatment: April Stevens, of backwoods bluegrass duo The Stevens Sisters . . . This week's hot pick from the CB bookshelf: Thomas P. Lowry's The Story the Soldiers Wouldn't Tell: Sex in the Civil War. Yes, it's a forbidden subject too hot for the likes of Ken Burns, not even with a camera slowly panning close-in on an old French postcard.

"Most of all, fuck your show business . . ."

The Mountain Dew Slurpee: an invention whose time has come. Amazing it took them so long, in fact. But we are disturbed by the new Mountain Dew Code Red, not because it's got more caffeine (whoo-hoo!) but because it's Pepsi's attempt to create a soft drink for, well, black people. "That's the whole mission that we have, trying to extend the excitement into the urban centers," Charlee Taylor-Hines, Pepsi's "director of urban and ethnic marketing" told the New York Times. The red color and cherry flavor came about, the Times article continues, because "conventional wisdom in the soft drink business states that people from minority groups favor sweet, fruity flavors." So why didn't they just come out with a new grape soda?

Oprah's latest book-club pick is "a cross between Oliver Sacks and Wally Lamb in which the poor, orphaned heroine triumphs over Tourette's Syndrome in a small Appalachian town. " Man, first James Wolcott scotches our whole male Bridget Jones thing, and now this . . .

Eric McCormack is Harold Hill . . . With a name like Elsa Benitez, she really should know better than to eat Taco Bell . . . Mike McFarlane of Baseball Tonight is so funny looking, we think we're watching Canadian TV every time we see him . . .

We expect the Motley Crue book is a hoot, but 100 hours of interviews? Man, life's too short to spend twenty-five hours with Mick Mars. BTW Neil, how's that stand-up thing going? . . . We stumbled onto that Nerve Q&A with Lil' Stevie Malkmus and his insanely hot girlfriend the other day. Now it all makes sense. It takes a special woman to not be the second-prettiest person in a photograph with that guy.

E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(May 4, 2001)