Happy Canada Day! Coincidentally -- or is it? -- the Canuck authorities are kicking Your Favorite Expatriates the hell out of their country just one day before the festivities and celebrations -- i.e., Sasha and Digweed's eight-hour holiday set in Victoria (Note to border officials: search those two!) -- begin . . . And speaking of coincidence, did Canada actually gain its independence three days before the U.S. did, or did they just feel the need to have a day off from work around the same time? Wait a sec, Canada doesn't actually have its independence. Guess "Happy We've Got Our Own Federal System Day!" just doesn't cut it.

We kid, but we truly love this beautiful country. Indeed, it seems like a friggin' Utopian paradise compared to the land of Elian, Eminem and the NRA. However, our time here has taught us something that we already knew vis a vis Jews, women and certain gay friends: Stereotypes are true for a reason. Canadians really are far too polite for their own good and, yes, they do so say "eh" and "aboot." And, God Almighty, do they love a nice chit-chat!

For such a big goddamn country, Canada sure is tiny. Case in point: Slightly more than 10,000 U.S. citizens bought the new Tragically Hip record, Music @ Work, good for a chart position of 139. It sold a mere four times that up here above the 49th Parallel -- and charted at No. 1! So being the biggest band in Canada means you sell about as many records as, say, Tortoise. Cult band or superstars: you be the judge!

We will miss Tim Horton's and their wonderful coffee, sandwiches and donuts (Mmmm . . . maple dip). We'll miss the magnificent BC bud (Mmmm . . . northern lights) and fine produce departments. We will not miss projectionists that don't dim the lights and can't seem to focus (further proof that the Canadian movie business consists entirely of cheap non-union labor). Still, you've got to love a country where potato-faces like Mike Bullard and the Entertainment Update (that is, "Here's what on tomorrow night") guy on Global are considered good-looking enough to be on TV. Oh, and while we dig a number of MuchMusic's perky chick VJs, what's up with that George Strombolopoulos? Hey dude, you missed a spot when you shaved this morning!

It's funny, but for six months, we've lived across the street from what is apparently a perfectly nice "Fifties style" diner and never once went in. Must've been the German flag hanging outside that put us off . . . Oh, and seeing how Jim Carrey is Canadian-born-and-bred, we feel obligated to point out that, as expected, Me, Myself & Irene was a big ol' steaming pile of beaver turd -- and we don't mean that in a good way. We've seen Atom Egoyan films that had more laughs.

A few non-Canadian notes before we get in the Jeep: Do you people realize that The Family Guy is currently the best show on television? Sure, right now it's the only show on television, but if it gets cancelled (c'mon, UPN!) we'll be bummed . . . That Kingsley Amis -- the Brit Mordecai Richler, doncha know -- was one cuddly old devil, huh? . . . Our plans this summer may include having hot pokers shoved up our urethras and eating used cat litter. Or we could just go see the Beastie Boys/Rage Against the Machine tour, which kicks off in Toronto Aug. 2. Hey guys, free this! . . . Melissa Etheridge (who might as well be Canadian) was quoted in a recent RS as saying "I'm crazy about Pink." Well, duh.

Finally, we'd like to say au revoir and blow big wet kisses to our ever-growing Canadian posse: Stuart, Judy, Jane, Catonia, Sheri, Don, Gen, Kathleen, Tim and, of course, that foxy sexpig, Chantal Kreviazuk. Now if they would just run this column in the National Post!

Contest: Who's your favorite Canadian? E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

MICHAEL KRUGMAN and JASON COHEN
(June 30, 2000)