We knew about the Canadian government's diabolical plan to conquer the music world through laws guaranteeing radio airtime to homegrown musicians, but even we couldn't imagine the Canuck feds setting their sights on academia. Well, that's just what they've done, beginning with the bestowal of honorary music degrees on Canada's favorite musical sons -- and we don't mean Corey Hart and that guy from Glass Tiger. The members of the Guess Who will be awarded honorary doctoral degrees from Winnipeg's Brandon University, whose dean of music deemed the grizzled rockers "great musical ambassadors" for the province of Manitoba. And we must say they've done quite a job . . . after all, can any of us think "rock" without thinking about the glorious legacy of Winnipeg? . . .

While it's not that hard to look at today's charts and play a quick game of "Who'll be on the Bennigan's circuit in a few years," we're a bit surprised that some of rock's most esteemed fossils . . . er, we mean veterans . . . are heading out on that road this summer. A passel of grizzled rockers, including Who bassist John Entwistle, Heart singer Ann Wilson and old-school proggies Todd Rundgren and Alan Parsons have decided to try their luck as a Beatles tribute band on a tour that's been dubbed "A Walk Down Abbey Road." Normally, we'd welcome any obstacle to yet another Who reunion, but somehow we think this project demands a rethink. Now if they'd retool the thing as "A Walk Through the Trailer Park," we'd imagine plenty of Limp Bizkit fans would be happy to hear some rippin' versions of "Break Stuff" . . . or, in deference to the oldsters out there, "Break Hips" . . .

Since Marilyn Manson seems to have slipped a few notches in the public consciousness, his old pal Satan has seen fit to abandon him in order to hook up with old supporter Ritchie Blackmore, who's set to star in a film designed to restore the credibility Beelzebub lost by being associated with Liz Hurley in Bedazzled. The ex-Deep Purple guitarist and the Lord of the Underworld will team on a new flick entitled The Devil and All His Works, which focuses on "an evil Satanist" -- is there any other kind? -- who uses the powers of a comet hurtling towards earth to resurrect the Devil. The potential of wacky high-jinks seems mighty high, giving us hope that the cinema world may finally have a worthy successor to the classic Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein . . .

Our "to-do" list is getting fairly long these days, so we're kinda happy that Kenny Rogers has enabled us to cross off "taunt a gigantic athlete about the fact that he's getting old." The singer took his best shot at retired basketball star Charles Barkley, surprising the Round Mound of Rebound at a special retirement ceremony last week by treating him to a version of "Through the Years." While we're betting the chunky Chuckles was still stinging from the news that his lifetime free pass at Kenny Rogers' Roasters won't even net him a side dish in these post-bankruptcy days, he nevertheless resisted the temptation to slam-dunk Rogers through one of the hoops at Philly's First Union Center. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is sportsmanship . . .

DAVID SPRAGUE
(April 7, 2001)