It is with a heavy, heavy heart that we bid a fond farewell to -- sniff -- one of our favorite shows. Despite the evidence of Wednesday's two-hour finale, we are having trouble accepting that it's really gone. The world is a darker place without it.

Some people think 90210 ran out of steam quite a few years ago. Those people are idiots. However, we will admit that things haven't been the same since Brandon and Valerie left. It's tough building a whole show around Dylan McKay's forehead -- though God knows it's big enough.

The grand farewell wasn't exactly rife with surprises, but they got the important stuff right, like putting in that casting call to Ryan Thomas Brown. No, he's not the guy who shot President Garfield -- he is the great Muntz. It is a simple and time-honored rule of thumb -- if Muntz is in the episode, it's going to be a good one. Even if Gabrielle Carteris is also around. Muntz rules!

We were also happy they did right by Joe E. Tata. It was a nice touch having Nat walk Donna down the aisle (not to mention letting him cater the wedding -- that's a lot of Mega Burgers!). And thank God they didn't shut down the show by closing the Peach Pit like they did to Al. (Poor Al. He was never Arnold, that was his problem. He was, however, Murray the cop.)

On the down side, we remain distressed by the symbolic castration of Steve Sanders. And how come they shunted Noah out of the last ten minutes so easily but still allowed Janet to be in the final scene?! Did she go to West Beverly High? We don't think so. As for the much-vaunted (and top-billed!) cameo by Brandon Walsh, we think Jason Priestley cut that thing straight to videotape from his room at Hazelden.

The return of the fabulous Tiffani Thiessen, on the other hand, was more than welcome. It's nice to know things are going well for her in Buffalo, though we're sorry the Sabres just can't catch a break. Despite what the media have told you folks, Tiff's Valerie Malone was far superior to the ever-whining Brenda, a big ol' troublemaking babe bursting with dirty sexual juju, not to mention her own bag of weed! Ah, she can take away the Amber, but she'll never take away Michael's love! We look forward to her sitcom.

And finally, let's hear it for head writer John Eisendrath. He's the John Swartzwelder of primetime soap!

In non-90210 news: A fine new literary critique on Leonard Cohen was just published up here in Canada by ECW Press. We've said it before and we'll say it again: ECW! ECW! ECW! . . . So the Pope revealed the Third Secret of Fatima this week, announcing that the Virgin Mary anticipated the assassination attempt on his life. Well, once again, the Church is covering up the truth, though indeed Her prognostication has come to pass. Our sources at the Vatican have given us the real poop. Here is the Third Secret which brought the Holy See to its holy knees, the one that caused Pope Pius to faint like a girl: "There will be a fourth Star Wars movie and it will suck really, really bad."

Caught Veruca Salt's Louise Post on MuchMusic the other day. Looks like her favorite band is Heart, if you dig what we're saying . . . Is it just us, or are those new Jack in the Box ads pretty damn amusing? C'mon, he knocked up his preppy wife Cricket with a deluxe chicken sandwich! That's funny! . . . Do kids still buy New York Dolls records? Does rock & roll even matter anyone? . . . Everybody likes Jello -- except for Klaus Fluoride, East Bay Ray, D.H. Peligro -- and us. F him!

It seems ex-ER star Gloria Reuben is now a back-up singer for Tina Turner. Next up, Juliana Margulies hits the road as one of the Harlettes . . . We recently received a press kit for one of those newfangled music-meets-technology mags, Revolution. It promises "easy information payoffs" -- y'know, like "Talk of the Town" -- as well "boxouts, hot buttons and navigational links." Now call us old fashioned, but we still believe that a "boxout" is something you do to Michael Jordan, "hot buttons" are issues, and "navigational links" are something along the lines of "continued on page 48." Thank you.

Finally this week, to those who think this column is insensitive to the pain of others, we'd like to get sentimental for a sec and send get well wishes to fifteen-time world champ Ric Flair. Feel better Naitch, David needs you! Woooooooooooo!

e-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

MICHAEL KRUGMAN and JASON COHEN
(May 19, 2000)