If you ever had the slightest inclination to believe Sting's braggadocio about his ability to withstand several hours of tantric sex, you might want to reconsider in light of the one-hour time limit he's placed on a chess match he's agreed to participate in at the end of the month. Der Stingle, who's never been shy about talking up his intellectual prowess either, will challenge world champion Garry Kasparov in the match, which will be Webcast from a New York studio from 12 to 1 p.m. on June 29. Those inclined to watch the action-packed event -- which, we've gotta admit, has to be more interesting than, say, watching the Stingmeister actually play music -- can check it out at www.kasparovchess.com . . .

Given the spotty relationship between rock musicians and federal authorities in pretty much any country you'd care to mention, it's kind of surprising that the government of Australia would turn to Joe Cocker in order to put a happy face on a new tax being instituted in the land down under. Indeed, Cocker himself was a bit surprised -- and not pleasantly so -- to find out exactly how the Aussies were using his version of "Unchain My Heart," which they'd paid about $270,000 to borrow. The round mound of writhing sound has demanded that his name be erased from all advertising promoting the ten percent "goods and services" tax, stating that he never intended to have the song used for political purposes. No word on whether the Aussie feds -- who first learned the power of the rock by putting AC/DC on a postage stamp -- were set to comply . . .

Since we've always thought that the Cure personified a party-down good time as well as any band in rock - well, perhaps aside from Joy Division -- we're pleased as punch to hear that the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas honored bubbly Bob Smith and company by slapping their image on a gambling chip late last month. The Cure's chip, which was only in circulation for the one weekend that the band was performing at the Hard Rock's in-house lounge, the Joint, was the first such item to bear the name of an active rock performer. Unfortunately, management missed a chance to fully capture the spirit of the Cure by neglecting to make the chips redeemable for single-use vials of Paxil in the lobby pharmacy . . .

Techno D.J Paul Oakenfold is doing his best to spread scholarship among the twinkle-toed set by crafting a series of drum-and-bass audiobooks, with readings by such literary lions as Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant and Woody Guthrie torchbearer Billy Bragg. Oakenfold isn't letting listeners off easy by sticking to such modern Brit faves as Jackie Collins, either: Thus far, he's taken a crack at Treasure Island and The Picture of Dorian Gray (which really would have been a perfect vehicle for David Bowie, who's seemingly lived the tale for the past two decades). No word on whether or not Oakenfold will be able to get someone to sound out The Cat in the Hat phonetically for reading by Fred Durst, but here's hoping . . .

DAVID SPRAGUE
(June 3, 2000)