Your beloved columnists were recently taken to task for a comment we made involving curry and the band Asian Dub Foundation. Which is not entirely unreasonable, but how come our tasteless drooling over various and sundry chicks doesn't seem to merit any kind of similar response? Don't jizz jokes about former members of Bikini Kill get (ahem) a rise out of anyone anymore? Is sexism more acceptable than racism now? Or it just that we're living in a Maxim culture where that sort of thing is allowed? Cool, we say! . . .

With that in mind, we would like to call your attention to the two broads that walk out with Letterman every night. Oh man! . . . On the other hand: that Justine from Elastica sure is a skank! And speaking of, what the hell happened to Teri Hatcher? We're not even sure we want to have sex with her anymore. It's also frightening to realize that seventy percent of America thinks she is married to Howie Long. Jon Tenney just can't get a break! (The guy goes to work on Brooklyn South, then comes home to find out his hot wife has turned) . . .

Anybody catch that Battle of the Child Geniuses thing on Fox the other night? There is something very wrong with America when our children can ace problems involving Brownian Motion and Conical Vectors but they don't know squat about Manifest Destiny or Edgar Allen Poe. Y'know, they say that those who don't know history are condemned to repeat it. However, we think these kids will be able to scratch by with a B. Of course, Bs probably make them cry . . .

Random Notes: Joe Queenan is a real slapnuts . . . NYPD Blue still rules. And Jason finds himself strangely attracted to that Baldwin Jones. For some reason, Michael finds that strangely arousing . . . We finally figured out where we recognize that Titus guy from: he's the lead singer of Goldfinger . . .

Bands we like: Departure Lounge, Ass Ponys, Rosita, New Electrics and, oh yes, Murry the Hump . . . We understand the new Sleater-Kinney record is a real departure for them. String sections and breakbeats, we presume. Blecch! And don't even get us started on Greg "There's Always Been a Dance Element to My Music" Dulli's upcoming (that is, three years in the can) solo project . . .

This week on The Practice, according to Canadian TV Guide: "Eugene and Jimmy each tackle morally difficult cases." Hey, didn't we already see that one? . . . And by the way, we're a couple of months late in saying so (apparently Canadian TV season is like Canadian football season: it starts and ends two months early) but farewell to Traders, that sexy, edgy prime-time drama about Toronto brokers making high stakes deals at sixty-five cents on the dollar . . .

And another thing about High Fidelity: We've met rock critics and if any of them looked like Natasha Gregson Wagner, we would still be rock critics. Plus, any self-respecting rock critic would have already heard the new Stereolab. Months in advance, no less! We can assure you this would have never happened to Peter Margasak, the real hack at the Chicago Reader. And what's more, Lo Boob Oscillator ISN'T NEW STEREOLAB! . . .

One last time, folks: don't forget to order Hardcore Heaven on PPV this Sunday. Tajiri! Dawn Marie! The return of RVD! Everybody now, ECW! ECW! ECW! On a related note, we are psyched for Centre Stage, though we're going to order the tickets over the phone so we don't have to say it out loud to the girl at the window . . . But don't worry, we're still gonna do Battlefield Earth first. What do you think we are, a couple of sissies?! . . . Since our next item is a plug for Yves vegetarian meat products, perhaps so. This Vancouver-based company churns out absolutely rockin' veggie burgers (black bean and mushroom is our favorite) and faux pepperoni that really tastes like pepperoni! Of course, the side effects include an irrepressible urge to protest the World Bank, but damn, it really does taste like pepperoni! . . .

Finally, our Chick of the Week honors goes to that dread-locked sweetie in the new Polaroid commercial. After a few minutes on that Damon Albarn-looking guy's motorbike, the film isn't the only thing that's sticky! . . .

E-mail to: Sqwubbsy@aol.com

MICHAEL KRUGMAN and JASON COHEN
(May 12, 2000)