Oh My God. Becky, look at her butt . . .

Man, just when Philly had worked us into a suitable froth . . . See, a weasel like George makes it easy to forget all that's evil about Al. But fuck . . . landsman or no, how are we supposed to get excited about Senator Joe, that pious neo-conservative Yalie drip? He dissed our man Bill, he's an Imus regular and the only thing he loves more than defense contractors and insurance companies is cultural paternalism. Lieberman is an active proponent of the V-Chip and sits on the board of the PTC, perhaps the foulest -- and most powerful -- censorship group to cross our paths since . . . well, the PMRC.

Other members of the PTC board: Tim Conway (censor Dorf videos now!), Mort Sahl (shouldn't he know better?) Steve Allen (senile traitor) Pat Boone (well, sure), Steve Largent (so oily it's amazing he ever caught a touchdown) and of course, professional scold C. Dolores Fucker (Jason once spent an entire hour listening to her tell a Pennsylvania legislative committee about the evils of someone named "Snoopy Dog").

The Gore/Lieberman administration wants to take away your right to yell "Suck it!" at the top of your lungs. You may well see your humble correspondents flung into some scary camp with everyone who revels in saying the unsayable: Eminem , Howard Stern, Vince McMahon . . . and that's just the whiteys! It's one thing to hate the WWF -- hell, we understand, and even appreciate, that on some levels -- but Holy Joe has a hard-on for Friends, which he thinks is too sexy for its time slot. This guy just hates Thursdays!

Look, after taking on Frank Zappa , the Mentors and "Darling Nikki," it took ten years for Tipper to seem vaguely cool again (What can we say? She's the only one with any charm. Besides that Karenna -- she's OK too). You'd think the Gores would have learned their lesson. The pursuit of "morality" could destroy us all. If it weren't for the fact that Rehnquist and Stevens will be turning in their resignations the morning after Bush takes office, we would officially endorse Nader (and we haven't ruled out voting for him -- hell, Jason lives in Texas, so his vote doesn't count anyway). Besides, we figure Bush is a one-term prez -- it's a family tradition, doncha know -- so we are looking ahead to the next election. Only then will our dream POTUS ascend to the position that is rightfully his: William Weld in 2004! As a Democrat! With Peter Rowan playing the inauguration!

Hey, that reminds us -- remember when Clinton won his first term and Soul Asylum played the MTV shindig? Remember Soul Asylum? . . . Does this mean Brent Bozell has to vote for Gore? . . . And what's up with Joe having a grandkid named Tennessee? Tennessee Lieberman? This is a Jewish child? . . . Sometimes it seems like Chris Matthews must've been hit in the head with a hardball or two.

We love Shields and Gigot, though we do fondly recall the good old days with Yarnell . . . The public wants to know: does a half-Semitic ticket help or hinder the minority vote? Well, the head of the Dallas NAACP branch says that the only thing a Jewish candidate cares about is money . . . Hold on a sec. That's the former head of the Dallas NAACP branch. Hey, all candidates care about money. Everybody knows the only thing a Jewish candidate cares about is Israel . . . We're very impressed with George Pataki's new gun law. Does the NRA know he's a governor?

Big Kat. An idea whose time has come . . . Doesn't matter to us how good a quarterback Keanu Reeves is. He's still a fucking scab . . . Incidentally, the PTC's top three most offensive shows are, by a remarkable coincidence, our three current favorites: Smackdown, Family Guy and Action. Does this make us immoral? No? How about this? We have the hots for Kristen Dunst. Three years ago.

Have you seen the infomercial for the Australian depilatory known as Nads Gel? Don't they have Beavis & Butt-head down there? All together now: Huh Huh. Nads. . . Speaking of Oz, the new season is rocking so far. Too early to make a call on Querns, but frankly, that Supreme Allah frightens us. And just how does Adebesi keep that thing on his head?

One Word Video Reviews of the Week: Magnolia. Crap. The Beach. Crap . . . Hold on, hold on! We just received this important bulletin: "All The Pretty Horses will no longer be released domestically by Sony (Columbia/TriStar) . . . Miramax Films will be doing the domestic theatrical release." Like we said before -- it's never coming out! And neither is that other movie Billy Bob directed. At this very minute, even as you read this, he's in front of the Avid removing a half-shadowed image of Bruce Dern's head. And replacing it with Jon Voight's, presumably.

That Amanda Ghost chick is scary hot. She can haunt our bedrooms anytime. Shame about the tunes, though . . . A disturbing new phenomenon is the lack of credits in commercials and trailers. Damn Guild arbitrations! We had to wait hours before finding out that Roger Spottiswoode is the man responsible for the upcoming Arnold blue-fest, The 6th Day . . .

We're looking forward to hearing Liam G's next song, "Little Francis." Hey, "Bean" rhymes with "trampoline" and "plasticine" . . . Triple H really is that damn good, you know. We truly hope he and his lovely bride settle their difficulties soon . . . In a recent Melody Maker, Carrie from Sleater-Kinney refers to "Send in the Clowns" as a "horrible song." She's an idiot . . . Order now, and receive the free video How to Get Great Results With Nads. We've always found that a gentle tickling of the underside works real well.

Send those flirty e-mails, monthly USY dues and preemptive complaints for when we start making fun of Radiohead to: Sqwubbsy@aol.com.

MICHAEL KRUGMAN and JASON COHEN
(August 12, 2000)