There's no shortage of performers who'll say they're Number One, but when it comes to backing it up with actions, we haven't seen anyone do a better job than Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie. The excitable girl took the stage at San Diego's Street Scene festival last weekend and promptly gave new meaning to her band's name by scurrying behind an amp to let loose a steam of urine. Fergie, who didn't remember the magical seven-word mantra known to moms everywhere -- "you should have gone before we left" -- was apparently undone by being stuck in traffic for an hour on her way to the performance. She finished the show with a tell-tale wet spot spreading across her shorts, an embarrassment that could easily have been avoided by a quick stagecraft lesson -- and a loaner bucket of water -- from Ozzy Osbourne . . .

Pundits have long gone around making lists of ways in which rock & roll is hazardous to the health, but, at long last, a respected institution has gone on the record giving credit where credit is due -- by honoring Kiss for their efforts in battling sexually transmitted diseases. The National Museum of Health has given two thumbs -- or some body parts --- up to the band's "members" by featuring a logo-emblazoned Kiss condom in a newly added display about venereal disease. Oddly enough, Gene Simmons' official tally of women bedded -- with or without footnotes about what illnesses they might've borne -- didn't make the exhibit's final cut . . .

Normally, we're not all that convinced when people go around repeating messages they claim to have received from the spirit world. But when said communication goes beyond the normal talk of moving into the bright white light and moves into the realm of demands for cash, well, consider us sold. That's exactly what the irascible Reverend Run says happened to him when he got a beyond-the-grave visit from longtime cohort Jam Master Jay, who returned from the other side, not with greetings from the Man Upstairs, but with a detailed request for money owed to the DJ by the Run-DMC organization. Sure enough, Run checked into the financial details, and found that the late turntablist was, in fact, owed about sixteen grand, which was promptly paid to his survivors -- a recompense that's stemmed the tide of apparitions. If we could figure out where to send a check to ensure Tupac would stop yammering on from his perch in the afterlife . . .

More often than not, we try to reason with folks who insist that society is going to hell in a handbasket faster than Fat Joe goes through a box of Krispy Kremes. But we're having trouble sticking to our guns now that we've heard Sir Mix-a-Lot eviscerate his buttock-celebrating libido-fest "Baby Got Back" to help Target pimp a line of book bags to elementary school children. In a new ad, a slew of fresh-faced tots prance around as Mix bleats such lines as "I like backpacks and I cannot lie/With a cell-phone pocket on the side." At this rate, it's only a matter of time before KFC makes a deal with the surviving members of N.W.A to tweak "Fuck tha Police" to spread the message that it's good to "pluck the white meat" . . .