If you've heard one rock opera, you've heard 'em all, right? Well, not so fast, ye of infinitesimal culture -- how many of the pesky little buggers have you heard that were completely instrumental?

Up until this week, the answer would probably have been none, but now that's all changed thanks to San Francisco's always-industrious Phantom Surfers, who've just issued a CD of their magnum opus, Skaterhater. Dubbed the world's first surf-rock opera, the vocal-free set tells the tale of a sunny burg's invasion at the hands of "a plague of young, barefooted barbarians on skateboards," and their subsequent battle with the even more fearsome Real Estate Lady.

How do we know all this if there are no words? Besides our innate intellect, we credit a hilarious libretto, written by John Marr (the editor of Murder Can Be Fun Fanzine, not Morrissey's former lackey), which is contained in the CD booklet.

Surf aficionados should note that the Phantoms even coaxed guitar legend Davie Allan -- who did the soundtrack for the mid-Sixties flick Skaterdater, which inspired this cultural marvel -- into lending a hand.

DAVID SPRAGUE