We'll discuss the none-too-surprising results of our Thom v. WHAD Beauty Pageant in our next column (after we've had a sec to break down the statistical data). In the meantime, is it Monday night at 9 yet?

So Brett Ratner is directing a remake of Red Dragon. We'll see fuckin' Family Man before we allow our gaze to fall upon that travesty. We'll sooner rent Inspector Gadget 2 starring French Fucking Stewart! Fuck Anthony Greedhead Hopkins for agreeing to it, fuck Dino DiLaurentiss for being too old and decrepit to know any better, and fuck Ridley Scott too, because Hannibal blew dead donkey dick bigtime. Jonathan Demme must be spinning in his grave!

Al Smith, We Hardly Knew Ye Department: So your "President" has handed over decision making to the Pope when it comes to determining U.S. policy on stem-cell research. Truly, this is the most bullshit "ethical" question we've ever heard. It's not a baby, it's a micro-friggin'-scopic drop in a petri dish! It has no eyes or fingers, let alone a soul! When are people going to learn! There is no God! You live, you die, that's that. Sheesh!

Tantric are going on tour. They take the stage at 9 sharp and then go on and on and on and on . . . Nice to see Alan Moore being so prolific of late, but when the frig is Big Numbers #3 coming out?

Dickey Betts' wife clearly doesn't listen . . . How much do we love Steve Austin? Since turning heel after WMX7, he has been a strap-hungry sellout, Vince's Gay Lover, an abusive husband, a paranoid traitor, and now, the Worst Gym Teacher Of All Time. Plus he loves the cookies! What?

A recent survey reveals the German people are losing their taste for beer. Wow. Next thing you know, they'll stop hating the Jews. Naah!

We know it was weeks ago, but we're still gonna mention this year's MLS All-Star Game because the excitement lingers so. A 6-6 tie! C'mon! What's more edge-of-the-seat thrilling than that? In other sports news, the Indianapolis Colts (it still feels funny writing that) have signed up quarterback Mark Rypien. This was after Don Strock, Ron Jaworski, Otto Graham, and Jim Thorpe all turned down offers . . .

Carlene Carter was the Courtney Love of her day -- she put the "cunt" in "country," y'know -- but somehow we have trouble feeling truly sorry for people who leave their dogs in a kennel for a year . . .

Damn that Spider Man trailer is good. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about Sam Raimi's most recent film, the excereable The Gift. Katie Holmes fans are advised to simply fast-forward to 1:36. It's true what they say about Billy Bob Thornton being a triple threat: Can't write. Can't act. Can't direct. Betcha he can't sing either. He's the cracker Phillip Michael Thomas, except he actually has an Oscar . . .

Chuck the bass player in Styx came out of the closet recently. We guess he's not the guy who wrote "Lady." Though maybe "Blue Collar Man" was his idea. Funny, but we'd always assumed Dennis DeYoung was the gay one . . .

Fuckin' Karl Rove. If he really wanted to make the Pope happy, he'd have Bush abolish the death penalty. Naah!

Aparrently Chuck wanted the band to be called "Dyx" but was overruled . . .

Fuckin' Comedy Central, canceling That's My Bush. Time for Trey to get cracking on That's My Bush: The Broadway Musical. Dennis DeYoung is George W. Bush . . .

We gave up on the new John Irving novel at the third hand . . . Michael's favorites are the white M&Ms . . . Incubus? Succubus, more like!

Nice to see a Mood Six best-of surface on Cherry Red, though Jason is quite pissed that they opted for the major label 7" mixes for two of the best songs. Sell-outs!

Pete Yorn? Never has an artist been so aptly named. Ok, so maybe that joke doesn't work unless you read it with a Brooklyn accent . . .

Is it in Freddie Prinze's contract that whoever hires him has to give Matthew Lillard work as well? Summer Catch? Yeah, and summer pitch too, we're thinking . . . Hey, and whatever happened to Skeet Ulrich? He seems to have disappeared just as he'd finally become a star with his appearance in Bigger Longer and Uncut . . .

Get it? Pete Yawn . . .

e-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(August 17, 2001)