We're in a quagmire. Giggity-giggity-giggity!

The great baldheaded ranting contrarian Steven Wells notes that The War Against Terrorism can (and will!) be known acronymically as TWAT. Yes friends, we live in the time of TWAT . . .

Our advice to the Fibbies hunting down the anthrax: you might want to take a look at Karl Rove's handwriting. This has his fingerprints all over it . . .

Damon Albarn thinks war is bad. Muthafuck him and John Wayne . . .

Questions, so very many questions: Why are we in Afghanistan? Where the fuck is Chandra Levy? Who better than Kanyon?

Sean Penn clearly wants his Oscar real goddam bad. A multi-episode run on Friends leading up to a tear-jerkin' retard performance. Jesus, he might as well just go down on Jack Benny's widow . . .

"I come from Broadway, so I want it to be very theatrical," Britney Spears said of her hopes for the new tour. Ah, and who can forget her luminous turn in Anna Christie . . .

That reminds us: We here at Well Hung at Dawn would very much like to meet Britney. You, dear readers, would also like us to meet Britney. Last we checked, the going rate was $17,800. Well, by our calculations, if each of our most loyal fans chips in five each, we have a shot. Contact us via e-mail to arrange your donation. Oh, and that's five hundred each . . .

You know how much we loathe George Lucas, but goddam that Episode II trailer rocks. We're gonna start waiting in line now!

Keeping with the sci-fi scumbag theme, Arthur C. Clarke says he plans to spend the rest of his days in his adopted home Sri Lanka because he no longer has the energy for travel. He'd prefer to retain said energy for more important matters, like writing a forty-second sequel to 2001 and fucking little boys . . .

Some kids think smoking pot is cool. What about the fact that it gets you hiiiiiiiigh?

Tim Booth is leaving James. Talk about a perfect job for Beastie . . . Are we alone in noticing the naughty sexvibe between Steven the Dell Computer Guy and that kid's mom?

In the latest of a continuing series of WHAD Public Service Announcements, the Halle Berry topless scene in Swordfish occurs in Chapter 12, at exactly 38:03. Giggity-giggity-giggity!

In further Death of the American Theater news, Jason Biggs is coming to Broadway. He's not the first piefucker to work the Great White Way, and he sure as hell won't be the last . . .

Paul Westerberg will tackle "Nowhere Man" on the all-Beatles-covers soundtrack to the aforementioned Sean Penn retard pic. Talk about your perfect match of singer and song! Ditto Nick Cave and "Let It Be," sans the irony . . .

Re: the new Coen Bros. pic, consider us the Men Who'll Never Be There . . . Poor Steve McDonald. Somebody -- we're looking at you Erlandson -- ought to save his skinny white ass before that Courtney steals his soul . . .

Alanis Morissette's new album called Under Rug Swept. Not yet, but this one oughta do it. Also, she probably knows a thing or two about rug, if you're picking up what we're putting down . . .

Diet Coke Lemon -- now there's a case of What the Fuck Took 'Em So Long? Personally, we always remove the lemon at restaurants. Especially when they put it in your water . . . Newman-Os are not as delicious as Fig Newmans, alas . . .

That Marquee Moon is a good goddam record. Julian Casablancas should reconsider his opinion on it. Of course he's allowed to think whatever he wants -- he does, after all, front the Best Band in the World. Also, what's up with people who think their set should be longer than forty-seven minutes? What the fuck for?

Hey kids, don't do drugs! It can lead to things like writing an Emmy Award-winning TV show that refers to the Ontario/Vermont border. What pisses us off is that Sorkin is so fucking smug that he can dash off a reference to the Ontario/Vermont border and not a soul on the staff fact-checks him! Pussies!

Our high-concept advice regarding 24 -- tape all the episodes, and watch 'em back-to-back in June! BTW, Kiefer Sutherland is not someone's dad. He's someone's son. Period . . .

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(November 12, 2001)