If you watch one TV show this season, make it The Osbournes, MTV's new series about Ozzy Osbourne and his real-life family. For six months, cameras recorded Osbourne, 53, his wife, Sharon, and their teenage kids, Jack and Kelly, getting settled into a new home -- their twenty-fourth -- in Beverly Hills. The family patriarch, who is free of all vices at this point, including cigarettes, tries to keep the peace as his kids squabble with each other, his cat fights with the dog and his neighbors stare in dismay as the Osbournes erect a giant devil head above the front door.

In a surreal way, "The Osbournes" resembles a classic Fifties sitcom, with you being the beleaguered dad.

You know, that's the way we live. As you see was as it was. We had the cameras in my house from October of last year. People keep saying, "It's the funniest thing I've ever seen," although I really cringe when I see myself in real life on TV -- I hate my talking voice. And I'm a rock & roller; you like to look your best all the time. But with The Osbournes, it's no frills, it's just the way we are. Some days you're fucking pissed off! Which is everybody's given right -- you stub your foot on the fuckin' bedpost, or you find the cat's crapped on the carpet. Mind you, in my house, cat crap and dog crap are a fuckin' given, with 9,000 fucking creatures crapping all over the place.

Is there any scene you didn't want the show to use?

No. I realize and accept the fact that I'm a very fortunate man, but to be a very fortunate man has its pitfalls. I chose the life that I have, but it has its downsides. The drugs, the fuckin' alcohol, the arguments, the falling-outs, the tears. For every smile, there's been a thousand tears, you know. [Pauses] That's a good song title.

You once lived next to Pat Boone, who called you an "ideal neighbor."

I must confess, he was the greatest neighbor. These new neighbors we've got, they're fucking assholes, man. Believe it or not, I don't play loud music in my house. But these pricks have parties until four in the morning, playing "Kumbaya" by the fucking barbecue in the garden. Which goes down in my house like a nun's knickers.

They play folk music?

Some fucking hoo-ha. People think they buy a house and they own Beverly Hills. You don't -- you live in a community. New Year's Eve was great. We ended up fighting with these fucking people. It's on film. You'll see.

Your daughter, Kelly, gets repulsed every time you're affectionate with Sharon. Is it always like that?

All the time. The kids go, "I'm leaving now." I love my wife dearly. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love my children, from both marriages. I couldn't think of my life without my wife, I really couldn't.

In one scene, you tell your kids that their curfew is 2:30 a.m. You're pretty strict there, Ozzy.

[Sighs] If I say 2:30 a.m., they'll come in at four. Sharon doesn't sleep until they walk through the door. I just go to sleep. I'm no fucking good to give any curfews, because that didn't exist in my world. Sharon is the boss.

Given your history, it must be difficult to make them listen to you.

They don't. Bottom line. But they're not stupid; they know when they're fucking up. We've never really restricted them. We're a very liberal family, to say the least. The f- word is used in my house very frequently and fluently.

What advice do you have for parents?

The hardest job in the world is to be a parent. You try to lead them up the right path. But who am I to lead anybody up any fucking path? My life has been documented from fucking Day One, so everyone knows I used to take this drug, take that drug. I'm not a beacon of advice. When I try, the kids say to me, "Yeah, what were you like? How old were you when you took your first hit of acid?" And I say, "Yes, but look at me now." And they say, "Yeah, you're a successful man with a TV show." I want my children to have exciting lives, but the world has its terrible sides. Withdrawing from drugs ain't too clever, recovering from booze ain't too clever. People in England are besotted with the bat-biting and this macabre kind of crazy, loony lifestyle that I've had. But the fact of the matter is, sometimes I watch this TV show, and I feel sad.

Why?

Because I'm extremely dyslexic; I have really bad attention-deficit disorder. My kids do, too. They have ways of getting over it. My escape was drugs. You always want to get better. If you're fucking Einstein's kids, you want to be better than your dad. Although I laugh at myself. I laugh at people laughing at what I do. I don't try to go out of my way to be funny.

[From Issue 1047 ͽ April 11, 2002]