We can remember a time when biting from a rap artist was the surest way to get your ass kicked, but we must be getting up there in years, because a whole slew of hip-hop performers are signing on the dotted line, eager to submit to just such a fate. This time, however, the biting is more oral than aural -- since a company called Rap Snacks has just worked out deals with Sticky Fingaz, BG and Lil' Wayne, all of whom will be pictured on packages of salty, fat-laden junk food. Unlike past crossover promotions such as Kiss Comix, the chips won't, fortunately, contain any personal body fluids designed to impart that authentic No Limit taste. So instead of Essence of Lil' Wayne, snackers will have to settle for Honey BBQ, Salsa and Cheese or Funky Nacho. Sounds okay, but we'll wait for the sure-to-be finger-lickin' good Lil' Kim flavor . . .

If you've always wanted to know what it feels like to be Ozzy Osbourne -- but haven't been man enough to destroy your liver to get there -- you're in luck. An enterprising fan of all things debauched has just put the finishing touches on "Black Skies," a computer game which is described as a "fantasy adventure" based on the Black Sabbath singer's life. We're sure that computer-game junkies will have to hunt down and decapitate small animals -- you know, bats, bunnies, Ronnie James Dio -- in the course of action. But if the folks at I-rock, the game's distributor, were really on the ball, they'd throw in some real challenges -- like the tricky orange juice pour demonstrated in The Decline of Western Civilization. Or perhaps the precarious "get all the pee into the bowl" task that demands completion at the end of each keg. We'll take that consultant's fee in cash, please . . .

Apparently unaware that all it takes to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is a few thousand well-directed bucks and a "sponsor" of sorts, a Queen fan has begun an internet petition to gain official acknowledgment that Freddie Mercury and company are indeed as big as ZaSu Pitts. Nan Lawniczak -- who coincidentally hails from the same Detroit suburb as this generation's "Killer Queen," Eminem -- has been picking up considerable steam in her efforts to have the pomp-rock legends immortalized in chewing gum and footprints. In tandem with the upcoming musical based on the band's career - think Phantom of the Opera with an overbite, if you will - Lawniczak should have folks walking all over her idols in no time . . .

Since being a jackass is clearly a boost to the career hopes of anyone trying to crack the pop charts these days -- take a bow, Fred Durst -- we're not surprised that Eddie Murphy is positioning himself as just that in an attempt to rekindle his singing career. Murphy, who crooned such ditties as "Boogie in Your Butt" back in the day, will get a chance to use his dulcet tones in the upcoming animated feature Shrek -- in which he'll provide the voice of a singing donkey. Making it even more baffling that producers bypassed Fab Freddie for the role, the featured song comes straight from the catalog of the band with the profoundest impact on the Limp lads -- it's the Monkees' "I'm a Believer" . . .

DAVID SPRAGUE
(March 10, 2001)