Down in Australia, men are men and women are women...most of the time. A weekly newspaper targeted to the country's sizeable Greek community apparently became confused as to the subtleties of the aforementioned statement and accused singer Natalie Imbruglia of taking part in a passionate lesbian affair -- with the leader of Silverchair. The glass of scandal poured by New Country Weekly was half-full, seeing how the "Torn" songstress is happily canoodling with said band-leader. But as most of you probably know, the object of her affection is named Daniel Johns, and he happens to be decidedly male -- skinny as all get out, but male nonetheless. The paper apologized for its mistake and promised that Johns' penis and testicles would be returned to him in the next issue . . .

There's trouble at the offices of Wyeth-Ayerst Pharmaceuticals. That's trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for . . . well, the contents of a package that swinging sixty-year-old GRACE SLICK sent to the makers of Premarin (a female hormone produced from the urine of pregnant mares said to be kept under horrible conditions). Slick, a perpetual PETA supporter, filled a container with her own urine -- which at one point would probably have contained numerous products from the Wyeth line -- and sent it to the company's president. Slick included a letter, which we'll hope didn't get stained in the mail, detailing her disgust with practices that include incapacitation of mares and denial of water (which results in a more concentrated stream of urine) . . .

Well, with four editions of Meatballs lining the shelves of finer video stores across this fair land, we suppose there's a precedent, but somehow we're still a bit surprised to hear that VH-1 is getting ready to dish up a steaming platter of MEAT LOAF. The biographical film To Hell and Back will chronicle the entire tale of Mr. Loaf's career, from transvestite stage shows to the Twinkie-enhanced live shows of his Bat Out of Hell era to the enforced diets of the late Eighties. The lead role in the flick, which will air in July, is to be played by W. Earl Brown, best-known for playing the mentally-handicapped hulk in There's Something About Mary. His agent must not worry too much about typecasting . . .

Satan may be getting most of the attention in the metal underground -- must be something about that red suit -- but Jesus is just alright for some headbangers and hairspray addicts who'll convene next month in New Jersey for the first annual STRYPER Expo. Hosted, as you might guess from the name, by members of the Lord's answer to Bon Jovi, who actually went their separate ways as a band some time ago, the Expo will provide one-stop shopping for afterlife preparations and Christian comic books. Former Stryper members will provide most of the musical entertainment with special focus on ROBERT SWEET, who for some reason, has become a huge star in Japan -- where Shinto is the way to go. The rapture-ous event will go down on May 21 in Parsippany, N.J., proving that the Lord works in mysterious ways -- including keeping his followers safe from the ravages of toxic waste.

DAVID SPRAGUE
(April 15, 2000)