When we're feeling a bit down, nothing brightens our day quite as quickly as a spot of shooting fish in a barrel -- so we were thrilled to hear that a passel of paleontologists on an African dig decided to name a 65-million-year-old fossil in honor of Mark Knopfler. No, the team didn't settle on the name Masiakasaurus Knopfleri because the guitarist had carved his initials into the ancient predator's bones on some sorta paleolithic hunting trip back in high school. It seems that every time the group slapped some Dire Straits onto the ol' boom box, fossils practically leapt from the dig site on the island of Madagascar. Now, considering what monkeys do when exposed to the music of Britney Spears, we're wondering if any animal behaviorists out there might want to rename a particular "activity" in her honor . . .

If you've ever gotten your heart -- not to mention your belly -- set on a nice, bloody piece of venison, you'll probably sympathize with Ron and Krishelle Bennett. The couple is suing Ted Nugent, claiming that the gonzo guitarist -- perish the thought -- showed a distinct lack of manners by reneging on a deal to provide them with front-row tickets to one of his shows, as well as a hearty meal in his presence. After turning in the high bid of $1,535 during a charity auction, the Bennetts were told they'd have the red carpet rolled out for them at a Kansas performance by the Nuge. Their lawsuit contends, however, that they ended up getting what they consider the bum rush, which translates to mid-arena seats and not so much as a hot dog from Ted's deli tray. Might we suggest saving some court-time and settling this with a pay-per-view crossbow duel . . .

Since we've always considered Glenn Frey to be one of the great prophets of our time, we weren't even remotely surprised to hear that the Greeks have officially announced that they don't want no freaks. We're talking about the Holy Synod of the Greek Orthodox Church, of course. The higher powers there are steamed at a group of monks who -- under the name The Free People -- have become quite a sensation on Greece's rock charts thanks to a pair of albums that mix Matthew, Mark, Luke and John with John, Paul, George and Ringo. While all of the band's songs focus on spirituality, the church hierarchy has warned the members -- all of whom reside in a monastery in central Greece -- against "scandalous" behavior. C'mon, we know there's a rule against these guys spanking their balalaikas in public, but there's gotta be some wiggle room . . .

Yeah, the Alligator Island Show is a mighty fine way to kill a few hours -- not to mention a few hapless mammals -- but Kenny Wayne Shepherd wants to bring even more culture to his hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana. The blues guitarist has joined a group of concerned bayou-ites who've thrown their support behind a proposed $350 million downtown restoration project to be keyed by a music museum celebrating the area's contributions. Hey, as long as there's a statue of Master P in there somewhere, count us in . . .

DAVID SPRAGUE
(January 26, 2001)