We'd like to start the week's proceedings by welcoming the kiss-stealing, wheeling-dealing, limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun back to TV. Woooooooo!

Sad -- though not entirely shocking -- how Liz Phair has amounted to little more than sweatermeat . . .

Pierce Brosnan, the Sexiest Man Alive? We have no problem with that. He's dreamy . . . Green Day have released a Greatest Hits CD. It's called Dookie . . . The second disc of the U2 DVD features -- get this -- an alternate camera angle of the first disc. Fuck them, fuck them, fuck them! And fuck you if you buy one!

A reflection on terror and loss: Is there anything more terrifying than reading Don DeLillo's reflections on terror and loss?

Speaking of sweatermeat, how 'bout that luscious Tuesday Night combo of Monica Keena and Charlotte Ross. Grrrrrr . . . But every time NYPD Blue ends it feels like the news should come on. When the fuck will the ABC braintrust wise up and cancel Philly so they can bring Blue home? Then we could watch Smallville and tape 24 . . .

If we lived in England -- or Wales or Ireland or Scotland for that matter -- we'd be watching the first season of Family Guy on DVD right now. Fuck . . . Hey, we missed the Emmys, did Debra Jo Rupp win for "Best Supporting Actress, Comedy?" Whaddaya mean she wasn't nominated? Get the fuck outta here . . . For some reason, Disney has remade Brian's Song. Hey, get your own dead interracial football-playin' best friends!

I'm R.E.M.!!!!!

There are two new books out about the life of Dale Earnhardt. He dies at the end of both of them, however . . .The cool thing about the Elijah Wood Lord of the Rings action figure? It's the same size as Elijah Wood!

"We were politically correct for at least ninety-five percent of the proceedings, then when it came down to crunch time, there was more pugilism," ?uestlove said last week regarding the Short List voting. Translation: The white folks voted for Sigur Ros, the black folks for Talib Kweli, and the white folks won. Christ, can you just picture Macy Gray and Mos Def sitting there listening to that Icelandic bollocks, while ponderous assholes like Michael Penn cooed about how magical and evocative it is? We'd also like to note that all your Short List winners are already signed to major labels and really don't need the money . . .

More journalists have been killed than military personnel. You just know that makes Rove and Rumsfeld sooooo happy . . .

Don't steal music . . .

We never thought there'd ever be a reason to look at a Spin City rerun, but whaddaya know, Rena Sofer popped up the other day. Grrrrrrrrrr . . . Nice to see the thickheaded A&W Root Beer Guy getting more work thanks to Capitol One. We smell James Burrows-directed sitcom!

Philip Morris has been asked to reconsider plans to change their corporate moniker to Altria. May we suggest Philanthrico? Or perhaps Scumfucks Inc.? While we're on the altruism tip, WHAD would like to bid a fond farewell to the one-and-only Percy Ross. Thanks for the financial support . . . We should also bid adieu to the Divine Comedy, but they pretty much were dead to us once we heard that Nigel Godrich was producing their major-label debut . . .

In the post-Strokes universe, it's nice that kids are getting into Noo Yawk Rawk again. A prime example -- as yet unsigned too -- is the excellent Tiger Mountain. Razor-sharp and rifftastic, Mike Jackson's axe-happy combo is two-guitar-bass-and-drums rock & roll in the glorious stylee of MC5's High Time . . .

Anybody want to send us a copy of the ABC Victoria's Secret special? We hear it was risqué . . . As you probably know, we here at WHAD Central are pro-Canada in every possible way, but it still seems wrong that the U.S. Olympic team has hired Roots to design their outfits for 2002. Way to support American business, guys!

Um, have we mentioned: Wooooooooo!

Read any good rock & roll novels lately? We've read them all, and let's face it, most of them aren't novel, and certainly don't rock. But even though it's partially inspired by the life of Ryan "Could I be any more overrated?" Adams, you should check out David Menconi's Off the Record, which documents the fictional life and times of the Tommy Aguilar band with scabrous accuracy and riotous imagination. It's the American Powder, only shorter. It's the A&R that doesn't suck. Find out more at www.offtherecordbook.com.

Also, it's not too late to buy Jason's masterful Zamboni Rodeo for your favorite hockey fan -- get thee to www.zambonirodeo.com immediately!

Congrats to Rod "He Hate Me" Smart for joining the Eagles. The world of independent wrestling will have to wait another year . . . Our favorite new basketball player name: Dijon Thompson. His mama likes mustard . . .

We just figured it out: Bono = Sting. Only Sting isn't quite as sanctimonious . . . More evidence that WHAD is really, really old: a recent NME live review described Mike Mills taking the stage for a "country song called 'Don't Go Back to Rockville.'" Sigh. We remember when editors had to be over thirty . . .

With the Hurricane on indefinite hiatus, we'd like to keep his catchphrase alive by resuming the classic WHAD regular feature known as What's Up Wit Dat? This week's installment: Jennifer Garner is only hot when she has a wig on. What's up wit dat?

Hallelujah! A new Chris Starling album -- dubbed Sounds Like Chris Starling -- is due out in February. About fuckin' time too!

Xmas Vacation approaches and we'd really like to take a week off. Howzabout you people write us some letters for a change? The war really seems to have really mellowed you bastards out. Do we have to start railing about Radiohead or bitching about the Beasties to get your danders up? Because we will. Happily . . .

This column is dedicated to the loving memory of Paddy. Why couldn't it have been Thom Yorke's cat instead?

E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(November 27, 2001)