Let's open with a scary, scary thought: Michael has been to Europe more times in the past month -- heck, the past week -- than George Dubious Bush has in his entire misspent life. Wasn't his dad an international spy, for chrissakes? And since we're on the topic of W's f'd-up foreign policy, note the fact that he's appointed two African Americans to his team -- who don't give a rat fuck about Africa. Oh, and while we know he loves baseball more than life itself, whose idea was it to name Paul O'Neill as Secretary of the Treasury? Next, El Duque will be heading up the INS! On the other hand, you've got to admit, Bush's Cabinet looks a helluva lot more like America than say, Aaron Sorkin's . . .

With the election over, the Well Hung stereos are back in full swing. We can't stop spinning The Modern Age EP, a post-punky Velvets-infused three-tracker from the Big Apple's own the Strokes. Unfortunately the singer's dad is Elite Models honcho John Casablancas, which, of course, invokes Well Hung's Rock & Roll Rule #458: Never trust a band whose members were already fucking models before making music! That said, they're easily the best NYC rock & roll combo in eons. Eons, we tell you! Eons! Other faves in our Now Playing section includes singles from Little Hell (featuring former members of Carrie, who were yet another swell band we were utterly alone in liking), Fuzz Light Years, Tenner, and the great Ooberman (the very very demented "Dolphin Blue"), plus longplayers such as Bitter Springs' The Best Bakers in the World, The Dead Cheap Fierce Panda Sampler (a Y2K compendium from London's finest indie label, featuring terrific tracks from the likes of Bellatrix, Astronaut and Tim Allon) as well as legendary pop poet Martin Newell's delightfully droll The Spirit Cage. Hey, and while we're at it, here's shouts to Martin's old Cleaners From Venus compadre, Giles Smith, whose Lost In Music memoir is a delight and whose new tome bears the year's best title: Midnight in the Garden of Evel Knieval. Top!

Ed Radiohead says Amnesiac is like The Bends, and will be accompanied by a number of singles and a full-scale world tour. We assume the album's title refers to the fact that Thom has forgotten that he was weary of melodies and hooks and the music biz. Phony fuckers . . . The Washington Wizards recently had to attend a motivational speaker's day with Larry King and Joan Lunden. They still suck, but they can conduct interviews with anyone from Orrin Hatch to the Olson Twins . . . Big props to The New Yorker's Rik Hertzberg, whose recent election columns stand out for both their populist acumen and subtle wrathfulness. Nevertheless, we are not amused about the very same magazine recently referring to Glen Burtnik as "former Styx guitarist." He wasn't very good, but the man had a solo career dammit!

There's a Broken Heart for Every Whore in Hollywood Department: Not only is Anne Heche dating a guy, but the National Enquirer has alleged that she hooked Bob Downey Jr. up with his Palm Springs arsenal . . . Billy Bob Thornton is just sooooo proud of himself for refusing the likes of Natalie Portman in All the Pretty Horses because she's "not Mexican." Erm, last time we checked, neither is Penelope Cruz. What an asshole! . . . Renee Zellweger and Jim Carrey are officially splitsville. Seeing how The Grinch is his first hit in ages, Jim's now dating the little girl who plays Cindy Lou Who. Either that, or Renee never dropped the Bridget Jones poundage . . . In happier romantic celeb news, Eminem and Kim are back together. At least until he kills her . . .

"Faith-based organizations" piss us off. Always have, always will . . . Former members of Brainiac and Skeleton Key have apparently formed a new band, called Enon. We, of course, prefer Manzeneran . . . Whatever you do, don't let W puts his hands on your shoulder. Then you'll have to obey his every command . . . The European leg of Lil' Stevie Malkmus' debut solo tour may see Justine Frischmann joining the trio on guitar. All we know is that she fuckin'-A better not set foot in this country with that other band . . .

Finally, its that time of year when celebs drop like flies, so we'd like to say "G'night Funnyman" to a number of ex-people: Onofrio Otomanelli, John Lindsay, the guitarist from 10,000 Maniacs, Peggy McMartin Buckey and Pops Staples. We'd also like to express our profound sadness at the untimely passing of Kirsty MacColl, one of our very favorite artists ever, and a damned fine lady to boot. For those who aren't familiar with her work, Kirsty was perhaps the most underrated pop singer of the last ten years, as well as a songwriter of uncommon warmth, wit and wisdom. Go find yourself copies of her ridiculously brilliant Kite or the heartwrenching Titanic Days. You'll thank us. On Christmas Day, we'll be playing "Fairytale of New York" and hoisting a few in her memory . . .

Email to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(December 22, 2000)