The appropriately named rapper Juvenile has apparently still not cracked open his copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, given his latest battle with his neighbors in the private, gated community of Woodville, Louisiana. The rapper's fellow millionaires are a bit ticked off at him for continually leaving his tour bus parked, engine running, on one of the exclusive 'hood's narrower streets -- and they're seeking a court order to break him of the habit. While he's yet to reply to those requests, we'd expect the artist formerly known as Terius Gray to come up with some valid security reasons for keeping the vehicle in gear. After all, when he had to use mere foot-power to chase five strippers from his house with an ice-pick last year, he couldn't nab a single one! . . .

Granted, there's something about the air -- or the smoke that wafts through the air -- in Jamaica that makes people do silly things. But while most folks wake up the morning after and decide they'd really prefer to see all evidence of that dance routine -- complete with coconut-shell bra -- destroyed, others have the addlement settle in more permanently. Such is the case with aging action hero Steven Seagal, who's decided that he's more suited to purvey the beat of reggae than the one to the side of the head. Seagal is holed up in Kingston, where he's working on an album -- with the help of Wyclef Jean, who we can only assume is angling for a part in "Under Siege 3" (or an introduction to Kelly LeBrock) -- that's said to feature a cover of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song." All together now . . . the apocalypse has to happen sometime . . .

Ever since the producers of the Jerry Springer Show instituted that "no bitch-slapping" rule a year or so back, we've found ourselves starved for America's truest form of home-grown entertainment -- but Foo Fighters guitarist Chris Shiflett has gotten our hopes up for a revival. Shiflett has decided it would be a swell idea to engage the band's publicist in an open-to-the-public boxing match -- a challenge that would be par for the rock star course, except that the Foos' publicist is male. The two gents -- who would seem to fall into the middleweight division -- will get in the ring on April 20th, and while we're sure someone will read off those Marquis of Queensbury rules, we're still hoping to see a bit of groin-kneeing and hair-pulling . . .

If you're like us -- and as far as we're concerned, the world would be a much better place if you were -- you spend many an hour pining for a sequel to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Well, all those beamed-out messages actually did reach the appropriate party, that being Wayne Coyne, the spaced-out leader of the Flaming Lips. Coyne is hard at work on a script for his first movie, which will be a futuristic fairytale about "the first Christmas on Mars." Here's hoping he can find a way to work Mothra into the storyline -- you know, as an outer-galaxy substitute for Rudolph or something . . .

DAVID SPRAGUE
(April 14, 2001)