A couple of weeks back, your intrepid columnists made one of their tri-annual trips to their spiritual homeland. As ever, we spent too much money on booze, records, cabs, etc., so all you folks get is this Stupid Column...

Top Five Reasons the U.K. Rules
1. WWF Pay-Per-Views are on Sky Sports . . . for free!
2. Sweet corn. With tuna or chicken, it doesn't really matter, we just love it!
3. MTV Europe's Alternative Nation shows Hefner and old Fall videos. It also raises the question: where is Kennedy?
4. The World Curling Championships were in Glasgow. Oh yes, our beloved Canada kicked some serious ass.
5. Victor, the world-class concierge at Two Hyde Park Square.

Top Five Good Music Things
1. Terris: the first new U2/Joy Division/Smiths of 2000. The good news is, these rather excessive comparisons are warranted, coz Terris rule! Believe the hype!
2. Julian Cope's Cornucopia Weekend at the South Bank Centre: where else would you get to see three -- count 'em -- three Thighpaulsandras, not to mention the amazing Groundhogs?
3. Teenage Fanclub need a new drummer. Again. Also, we hear that Leeroy has quit the Prodigy, though plans call for them to continue as a three-piece. Whew!
4. The great Irish poet, singer, provocateur Cathal Coughlan. And speaking of the Call, what do you suppose Michael Been is up to these days?
5. New albums by Orange Can, Doves, It's Jo & Danny and Chris Starling. New singles by Shack, Coldplay and JJ72.

Top Five Annoying Music Things
1. Asian Dub Foundation. Quit your moaning and bring us our goddam curry.
2. Tht Bbby Gllsp fllw frm Prml Scrm hs bcm rthr trsm
3. The New Oasis comes with a new logo. F 'em.
4. You can't swing a cat without seeing that new Moloko video. Also, that Raisins chick turns out to not that attractive after all.
5. The Undertones minus Feargal have reunited to play the Fleadh. That's like the Groundhogs without Tony McPhee!

Top 5 Birds
1. Francis O'Connor (Actually she's Australian, but who cares? She's yummy!)
2. MTV VJ Donna Air, host of the U.K. equivalent to TRL. She makes Westlife bearable.
3. Morning DJ Sara Cox, who is definitely too good looking for radio.
4. Ute Lemper. She's German, but she hangs out with two of our fave Brits (of sorts) Neil Hannon and Scott Walker. Also, she reminds us of Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS....Grrrrrrr....
5. The many, many beautiful long-legged chicks appearing on Italy's hottest game show, La boca di lupa. It's so hot, you'd think you were watching Telemundo!
6. (Sorry, but you can never have too many birds). Lara Croft. Nice Pixels.

Our Top Five Things We Couldn't Think of Top Five Lists for
1. Just how much of a hoo-er is that Kate Moss? Really.
2. Mexico is apparently against daylight savings time. That way the banditos and corrupt border officials can do their shady work under the cover of an extra hour of darkness.
3. What happened to the naked guy who used to run onstage with Elastica? Shouldn't he be an important artist by now?
4. We see Will Oldham has covered AC/DC's "Big Balls." What's next? Elliot Smith doing Motley Crue's "Girls Girls Girls"?
5. Les Rhythms Digitales are cool for no other reason than the fact that the guy's name is Jacque LeCont. If all goes according to plan, he may be the next Falco.

Top Five Reasons We Still Haven't Seen "High Fidelity"
1. Jack Black: To paraphrase the Beta Band, he has the cock of a baby, only smaller.
2. Too many Beta Band references. That is, one. (Unless it's pronounced "Beeta Band," in which case it's kind of OK.)
3. The female lead is played by a foreign chick. This, despite setting the movie in Chicago.
4. We saw Grosse Pointe Blank. Cusack still owes us money.
5. Jack Black.

e-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

Next week, Well Hung at Dawn goes to the movies (finally!)

JASON COHEN AND MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(April 26, 2000)