There is a scene in Star Wars in which Obi-Wan Kenobi leans over to his sprightly protTgT, Luke Skywalker, and tries to put into words what he sees as the most despicable blemish on the rump of the universe. With a combined look of reverence and fear, he slowly imparts this sage advice, "Mos Isely Space Port. Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

With all due respect to the snowy-headed Jedi master, he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. I do. I've seen things that would make any self-respecting, Kessler run-making space smuggler blush like school girl at a donkey show...I even bought a tee-shirt to prove it.

Scum and villainy has taken on a whole new meaning. Night after night, it reincarnates itself in horrid new designs, pushing the boundaries of filth and debasement. You won't find it on Tatooine, you won't even find it at your local movie multiplex. Just go see GWAR in concert.

For those of you who have never experienced a GWAR show, a little primer on GWAR lore might be helpful.

It seems that after killing off the dinosaurs and inadvertently creating the human race by humping apes, the band was imprisoned in an Antarctic tomb by their Master. Several thousand years later, Sleazy P. Martini, known pimp, pusher, pornographer and record business executive for Capitalist Records, stumbled into their tomb and woke them up. He took them to New York and taught them to play guitars. GWAR's reward was periodic pick-up trucks full of crack cocaine and all the human flesh they could eat.

The band's roster reads like a cross between a WWF roll call and an autopsy report: Oderus Urungus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty and Jizmak the Gusher. Auxiliary characters include Techno-Destructo, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner and Sleazy P. Martini.

Though immortal, recorded history of the band strangely begins in 1988, when the band released their debut album, Hell-O. Nearly 10 years and a Grammy nomination later (best home video in 1993 for Phallus in Wonderland) they are still on the road to world domination -- literally.

JAMTV's Features editor, Isaac Josephson and I caught up to the band as they passed through Chicago on their current tour. As you could imagine, we were a little nervous about lining up an interview with lead "singer" Oderus Urungus because, well, he eats people.

Oderus is a hulking mass of horns, veins and armor. He is clearly not one to be fucked with -- a point driven home as Oderus swaggered into the room, nonchalantly picking his teeth with what appeared to be a human femur.

Mustering up our confidence, we asked how he liked humans, and a scowl came over his face.

"Great on toast," he roared.

"Uhhàno. I mean, how do you like humans in general," squeaked Isaac while peering out from behind his chair.

"Oh," snarled Oderus. "They're weak! They're brittle. They break easily! They stink! I hate them! They're like you -- a retarded child. I have to beat you to teach you something. I hit you again and again but you never learn."

This didn't help our pre-interview jitters much, and we cautiously inquired as to whether or not humans had any redeeming (non-culinary) qualities.

"Noooo!!" The ground shook as he thundered out his response. "Well, except for the fact that I created you, and by association you're cool in a small teeny little way. But besides that you're scum, man!

Isaac and I pushed back a little from the table and exchanged worried looks. I knew Isaac had brought along a high-voltage taser gun from the JAMTV interview supply cabinet, and he glanced quickly at his waistband where the weapon lay concealed. The interview was not going well.

Confused by Oderus' explanation and emboldened by the heat he was packing, Isaac asked how it could be that he created the human race and not a swirling mass of heated gasses. After a short pause, Oderus leaned forward, his menacing red eyes only inches from IsaacÆs. "I had sex with an ape." Smoke began to curl out of his nostrils. "I put my wee wee in her pee pee and shot my jujitsu up her ho chi min trail."

Satisfied with his explanation, Oderus sat back and chomped clear through the toothpick/femur.

I was astounded by the simplicity of it all. Isaac seemed horrified. He tearfully asked if the unfortunate primate had a name. Oderus snorted, "She didn't have a name. She was an ape. Maybe her name was (monkey sounds). At least that's what she said when I stuck it in her butt." Isaac excused himself from the room and briefly returned, his face drained of color, dabbing his mouth with a paper towel. We persevered.

For all of his brash mannerisms, Oderus did have a somewhat thoughtful side. His opinions covered an amazing sprawl of topics. After a gripping discourse on quelling slave rebellions, something resembling a smile crept onto his haggard face as he said, "Slavery is cool man! But when they act up, it must be put down through violence. Take a lesson from The Chinese government and Tiannamen Square. Run some heads over. Get violent. Break things. That's how I solve all my problems."

Oderus seemed to have a particular affinity for Communist China. Of special interest to him was theexpired British lease on Hong Kong.

"It's so sad," Oderus mocked. "Forty years ago, they had an empire that the sun never set on, and now the English have been reduced to a bunch of toffee eating, rotten toothed verily pissed off people with really bad food!"

For a being so terribly disgusted by mankind, we noticed that he took a lot of interest in current events. We decided to test him and asked about his take on the power struggle in Zaire.

"The Congo! Zaire! Another total example of how European colonialism has been brought into conflict with American colonialism. The French are of course supporting the ex-governor. Now the Americans are supporting the new guy who now seems to be as much of a tyrant as the last guy. It's amazing what youÆve done to that country, that whole continent! Taken all its mineral wealth and destroying and enslaving all of its people all in the name of progress. ."

Sensing that we were attempting to steer clear of his favored topics -- sex and music and destruction -- Oderus quickly recovered. "Listen, I watch your wars, your diseases, your plagues and your prime time television shows. I suppose I derive some form of entertainment from all that crap. But the best way to do it is at a GWAR show -- a cannibalistic blood orgy where we bring all the people out and grind them up in the meat grinder. And do whatever it is that we do."

With that, Oderus swallowed the remaining bit of human femur and began to bark orders to his subordinates, signaling that our intervew was over.

As he heaved his hulking frame out of the chair, Oderus gave us a peek into the motivating force behind his peculiar vision and a satisfactory parting shot.

"I want everyone to be like me and if you can't keep up, then you're dead."

BRANDON BARBER & ISAAC JOSEPHSON