It wasn't so long ago that guys with a flair for impersonating musicians simply used those talents to pick up unsuspecting dates -- but those innocent days of old-fashioned identity theft are gone for good. At least it seems that way now that a man who's perfected an uncanny impression of hip-hop star Ginuwine is making the rounds and soliciting cold, hard cash from a variety of clueless marks -- including radio stations and booking agents. The man, who has yet to be identified, not only has the rapper's conversational flow down pat, but also knows his stuff regarding Ginuwine's personal life. In his recent travels, the counterfeit Ginuwine has managed to swindle folks out of dough for plane tickets as well as concerts that we presume he has no intention of performing . . .

While we take a firm stand against spraying Aqua Net into the eyes of a bunny in the interest of gaining a more long-lasting hold, we've gotta draw the line at the latest hare-brained scheme to come out of PETA central. The Orwellian animal lovers, having turned just about every musician this side of Ted Nugent into a tofu-loving peacenik, are now taking on the role of thought police -- as evidenced by a plea their London branch sent to Suede singer Brett Anderson. The skin-shunning activists are asking Anderson to make but one concession to his bovine brethren -- changing the name of his band to a "cruelty-free alternative to Suede." The PETA folks suggested Velour as a possible new handle, but since that's already been taken, may we posit the idea of Stone Tempeh Pilots? . . .

Since people seem perfectly willing to walk around with the words "Tommy Hilfiger" emblazoned across their chests, we're not surprised that one entrepreneurial outfit has come up with an idea that takes the post-millennial advertising model one step further. The folks at the International Underground Music Archive are offering expectant parents the choice of five thousand bucks -- or free music for life -- for merely naming their newborn baby "IUMA," the acronym preferred by the digital music site. The offer is limited to the first ten suckers . . . er, applicants . . . and two of those spots are already taken by baby Iumas pictured in the company's online nursery. On the bright side, the manufacturers of Tampax have yet to follow suit . . .

Normally, we'd pluck a chunk of rat off a Survivor contestant's spear -- or even plant a warm, wet smooch on the kisser of Courtney Love -- for the chance to link a fallen rock idol with a recording selling a grand total of one copy. But since there's actually a heart-warming subtext to the tale of David Lee Roth's most recent foray into the studio, we'll turn off the sarcasm for a moment. At his Web site -- which appears, naturally enough, at www.davidleeroth.com -- Diamond Dave is auctioning off the sole circulating copy of a song he recorded for a seriously ill young woman named Ashley Abernathy, who has the only other copy in her personal collection. Dave insists he won't be releasing the song commercially, and is asking that bidders restrain themselves from doing so as well. Even so, bidding has reached $3000. Hey, that actually felt really good . . . maybe we'll do this warm and fuzzy thing more often . . .

Joerg Haider, the Austrian politician who resigned from his seat in that country's Parliament after being accused of expressing pro-Hitler sentiments, has turned to this country's Parliament (not to mention Funkadelic) for a bit of help in his new career. Haider has recorded a rap tune entitled "Carinthia Has One Heart," in which he rhymes righteously about the beauty of his homeland -- and steers clear of his political views. Guess he can save those for heart-to-heart chats with Professor Griff . . .

DAVID SPRAGUE
(August 12, 2000)