The Internet is overloaded with sweepstakes offering all sorts of booby prizes -- never, of course, anything as useful as a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni. And while we still haven't heard of anyone being offered a shot at the San Francisco treat, the folks at Mediatrip.com are raffling off the next best thing -- a chance to have the captain of the Mothership take the helm of your record. The winner of their "George Clinton Will Do Your Demo" contest will be locked in the studio with Dr. Funkenstein himself. Those interested have until Dec. 14 to upload their submissions to the site -- or, for those still living in the twentieth century, mail them to: 11111 Santa Monica Blvd., Ste. 300, Los Angeles, CA 90025. Clinton's services will be provided free of charge, but we're certain the winning act would be well-served to invest some dough in a bale or two of recreational combustibles to enhance the mood . . .

We can understand a newspaper publisher getting ticked off by the presence of a prominently placed misspelling, but we think the folks in charge of The Monitor (the daily paper serving McAllen, Tex.) over-reacted by firing their entertainment editor over such an appearance. Nora Garza was fired last Monday after running a photo of Deftones' singer Chino Moreno clad in a sweatshirt emblazoned with the word "FUCT." Officially, Garza was told that she was being dismissed on the grounds that she allowed "obscene language" into the paper, prompting a flood -- OK, a pair -- of calls from readers smart enough to know phonetics. Moreno wasn't trying to make a radical statement by wearing the offending garment: Much like fellow FUCT-er Zack de la Rocha, he was merely pimping for a company -- which uses those initials as its name -- whose threads he digs . . .

Being able to form a comprehensible sentence in the English language was once considered a boon to wanna-be pop stars. But since times have changed, we won't argue with those who think that Mahir is destined to be the next big thing. While the name may not ring a bell without the URL that usually accompanies it, you know Mahir as the hapless Turk whose Internet personal ad became one of the most visited sites on earth -- thanks to his loopy lingo and oddball sexual come-ons. Since those things are part and parcel of just about every hit song around these days, EMI has decided to sign Mahir to a recording contract, and will release his "I Kiss You" single next month. In case you're one of the six people who've yet to experience the man's charms, you can immerse yourself in the world of Mahir at members.xoom.com/primall/mahir . . .

We would have guessed that the artists occasionally known as the Three Tenors would have a rather cozy relationship with Domino's Pizza -- not to mention Taco Bell, KFC and the Waffle House -- but cash, it seems, is thicker than mozzarella. Lawyers for Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras have filed a suit against the pie purveyors for mimicking their images in ads for the "Meatsa Trio" pizza. While no actual depictions of the stocky singers were used, the suit charges that the imitations were spot-on enough to leave little doubt as to who the men were supposed to be -- thus creating a trademark infringement. It just goes to show you that fat men aren't always jolly after all . . .

DAVID SPRAGUE
(November 4, 2000)