Hip-hop is all about respect -- and, as we're sure you know -- respect best shown by piling on the meat and condiments, two items at the center of a potentially ugly dispute between Fat Joe and New York's famed Stage Deli. The rotund rapper was asked to help bring the noshery into the new millennium by lending his name to one of its celebrity sandwiches -- an ante he met and upped by actually designing the Fat Joe sandwich himself. While we found the idea of a roll stacked with grilled turkey, fried eggs and melted cheese kinda nauseating, the Stage folks claimed that all was hunky dory at a press conference called to announce the sandwich's creation, but then dissed the round mound of sound by pulling the Fat Joe from its menu after just one day. The deli's proprietors claim the dish was too complicated to pull off, leaving Joe "hurt and disappointed" -- but presumably not worked up enough to go on a hunger strike . . .

We can't think of a better place to pay homage to Michael Jackson than at a wax museum -- heck, you might stand a pretty good chance of seeing the King of Pop bring a nose (or some body part) in for a tune-up. So we can understand why Jacko's remaining British fans are planning a get-together at Sheffield's Rock Circus for a so-called "Michael Jackson Weekend" -- consisting, presumably, of screening Liz Taylor films, swapping surgical masks and saying mean things about Lisa Marie. The Wacko Warriors will have to forego plans to behead Pulp singer Jarvis Cocker, however. Cocker, who famously taunted Jackson from the stage at a 1996 awards show, is also represented by a wax figure at the exhibit -- one that's been threatened by Michael's minions. To prevent bloodshed -- or, actually, paraffin-shed -- Cocker will be stuffed in a closet until the all-clear is given . . .

If it's good enough for Pete Townshend -- not to mention Sebastian Bach -- the musical theater oughta be good enough for the members of ska-pop stalwarts Madness, who are reworking a passel of their tunes for the matinee set as we speak. Frontman Suggs has supposedly been meeting with writers capable of bridging the two-tone and blue-hair camps by putting together a show that would "capture the essence of Madness without it being a story about the band." We hope it works out for 'em -- if only because it'll help speed along that Kajagoogoo revue we've been waiting for all these years . . .

As creatures of habit, we've gotten used to folks making the natural progression from unknown to star to resident of a local prison, but one British gal is trying to mess with the order of things by launching her singing career from inside the hoosegow. The Kent-bred teen, who goes by the handle "Felon," went to jail for her part in a supermarket robbery -- and then decided she'd be better off singing about pulling heists than actually doing the deeds in real life. The move, which kinda makes sense considering the lack of success she had with her first career choice, resulted in a contract to release her first single, "Get Out," in Limeyland next month.

DAVID SPRAGUE
(November 18, 2000)