Ah, summer. A time to avoid nature in favor of the multiplex, where we can hang out with functionally illiterate people who seem to be there mostly because it's a nice air-conditioned place to converse with friends.

This is not true of everyone, mind you -- some people prefer to converse with the characters in the movie. A precious few others know better than to talk if the people on the screen are saying something. But if it's just a silent image, maybe with some music or a subtle sound effect? Hell, you can say as much as you want -- or even crinkle the candy wrapper a couple of times -- during those parts.

Of course, the sad fact is American moviegoers are no better or worse than American moviemakers. If a modern film isn't completely tinted blue, then it's all too-quick cuts, too-close close-ups, and that weird new impossible-to-follow Gladiator action. And if it isn't dominated by the ubiquitous and never-entirely-present presence of CGI, it probably has Nic Cage, which is even worse than a computer-generated actor. Even if a movie seems to be worth seeing, why bother going? You saw the trailer. You've already seen the end, the middle, the make-out scene, the four good jokes and the revelation that Gary Sinise is the bad guy.

Lest you think our primary motivation for this voluminous article was our passion for pictures, the truth is, it's all about the blurb. For many years we have gaped in awe and wonderment at the critical genius of Jeff Craig, Paul Wunder and the other fine film experts at the Radio Entertainment Network (not to mention the Entertainment Radio Network). We prostrate ourselves before the frizzy-haired master of the form, the one and only Gene Shalit. Way back in the pre-Ebersisk era, this MC5-looking friend of Dave Garroway once stood as TV's premiere "movie reviewer," but in these hypercritical times, Shalit must resort to bigtime asskissery in order to get noticed. F'rinstance, this recent pearl: "You'll go Bananas for this hilarious Sleeper. Take the Money and Run to see Small Time Crooks!" Man, is Joel Siegel jealous of that one or what? The best part is, it doesn't require him to actually have seen the film!

We want in. Before the summer is over, we want to see the words "Michael Krugman and Jason Cohen, Rollingstone.com" in a commercial. Or at least in the Friday New York Post. Since we doubt any of this summer's movies will top Road Trip -- which, really, is the finest film of the year so far -- here's our first attempt at a serviceable pull quote: "The best movie of the century! Three fingers up!"

With that in mind, what follows is an abridged rundown of the studio's seasonal offerings, with a couple of indies, reissues and foreign flicks thrown in for laughs. We couldn't cover everything -- i.e., is there really anything to say about Disney's The Kid? -- and as far as we're concerned summer starts at either the vernal equinox or the last day of school, whichever comes first. So we left out stuff you've all already seen, like Center Stage, Battlefield Earth and the Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie. While it's safe to say this summer can't possibly match the profound hype-to-disappointment ratio of 1999's Phantom Menace/Spy Who Shagged Me/Eyes Wide Shut crap trick, we learned a long, long time ago to expect nothing.

JUNE

GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS
With Nicolas Cage, Angelina Jolie, Robert Duvall, Delroy Lindo and Giovanni Ribisi
Directed by Dominic Sena
This Bruckheimer car jam is said to be piss poor, and considering the limited talent pool of its star, producer and multitude of screenwriters, we're none too surprised. Guaranteed to be stupid, loud and painful to watch -- all the things you've come to expect from the evil fuckers responsible for Con Air and The Rock.

We say: "Sixty Seconds? Life's too short!"

BLOOD SIMPLE (DIRECTOR'S CUT)
With John Getz, Frances McDormand, Dan Hedaya and M. Emmet Walsh
Directed by Joel Coen
Cause, y'know, America's most overrated filmmakers didn't have creative control the first time around. It's frightening to consider what followed in the wake of this over-stylized pseudo-noir. While it amused us back in the day, we're betting it holds up about as well as . . . well, The Hudsucker Proxy.

Blurb this: "Crap! We'll never hear from these talentless Jews again!"

NEW WATERFORD GIRL
With Liane Balaban, Cathy Moriarty, Andrew McCarthy and any number of Canadian television actors.
Directed by Allan Moyle
A long-awaited return to form for Pump Up the Volume director Moyle, who really only ever made one good movie -- that is, Pump Up the Volume -- but we like him anyway. This Maritime Provinces (that's Canada) coming-of-age story is about a chick named Mooney Pottie (!) who dreams of escaping the Maritime Provinces. Apparently Lianne Balaban, the talented and really, really cute eighteen-year-old actress who plays her, dreams of becoming a rock critic. Do you need a mentor, honey?

We say: "It's so good we've almost forgiven Moyle for Empire Records!"

SUNSHINE
With Ralph Fiennes, Rosemary Harris, Jennifer Ehle, Rachel Weisz, Molly Parker, Deborah Unger, John Neville, Willian Hurt and Bill Patterson
Directed by Istvan Szabo
What summer movie season is complete without a multi-generational Jewish-Hungarian epic? This pic from the director of the great Mephisto and co-written by playwright Israel Horovitz -- best known to you kids for fathering Ad Rock, though we don't hold that against him -- features Fiennes in three roles: Ignatz, Adam and Ivan (which, coincidentally, is the name of Budapest's hottest new techno combo). Those who've seen it swear Sunshine is pretty great, with a surprisingly high babe quotient to boot!

Blurb this: "Goulash, Nazis and the Gabor Sisters -- Sunshine is the feel-good hit of the summer!"

TITAN A.E.
With the voices of Matt Damon, Bill Pullman, Drew Barrymore, Nathan Lane, Jim Breur, Janeane Garafalo and Tone Loc
Directed by Don Bluth, Gary Goldman
An action-packed sci-fi cartoon epic from the people that brought you All Dogs Go to Heaven and Bartok the Magnificent. Personally, we feel Bluth and Goldman peaked with Rock-A-Doodle, but that's just us. Since we have a policy of never going to movies that Jim Breuer has had anything to do with, we'll never know.

Pull this quote: "Titan A.E.? More like Shite-an A.E.!"

SHAFT
With Samuel L. Jackson, Vanessa L. Williams, Jeffrey Wright, Christian Bale, Busta Rhymes, Dan Hedaya, Philip Bosco, Josef Sommer, Jennifer Esposito, Toni Collette and Richard Roundtree as "Uncle John"
Directed by John Singleton
Erm, but after Shaft's Big Score and Shaft in Africa, shouldn't this one be called Shaft's Nephew? Despite the excellent cast, this will be as crap as movies get this summer. As directors go, Singleton is a bad mutha -- shut yo' mouth! But we mean "bad" in the classical sense.

We say: "Wassssuuppp?!"

BOYS AND GIRLS
With Freddie Prinze Jr., Claire Forlani, Jason Biggs, Heather Donahue and Alyson Hannigan
Directed by Robert Iscove
The film that begs the question: What the hell is that horrible, horrible girl from The Blair Witch Project doing in another movie? What, was Robert Wiseguy Iscove drunk when he cast her? Just how is it possible that someone saw her excruciating turn in Blair Witch and said "That's the girl I want for the second lead in my twentysomething sex comedy!" Unbelievable!

Gene Shalit says: "I know what America's moviegoers are doing this summer! Freddie Prinze Jr. is all that!"

CHICKEN RUN
With the voices of Mel Gibson, Jane Horrocks, Timothy Spall, Miranda Richardson, Julie Sawalha, Imedla Staunton and Phil Daniels
Directed by Peter Lord and Nick Park
We are, of course, are big, big Wallace and Gromit fans, so we have very high hopes for Aardman's first full-length feature. ECW's Roadkill -- a.k.a. The Angry Amish Chicken Plucker -- must also be very excited.

We say: "Fire up the rotisserie -- Chicken Run is the finger-lickin'est comedy of the summer! You'll have a clay old time!"

ME, MYSELF AND IRENE
With Jim Carrey, Jim Carrey, Renee Zellweger, Robert Forster and Anna Kournikova
Directed by Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly
Apparently, it's this year's There's Something About Mary. No, really. Of course, we didn't think all that much of There's Something About Mary -- Kingpin is the Farrellys' true high (or is it low?) watermark -- but you never know.

We say: "It's this year's There's Something About Mary!"

THE PATRIOT
With Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger, Joely Richardson, Jason Isaac, Tchecky Karyo, Adam Baldwin, Donal Logue and Rene Auberjonois
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Two Australians and at least one Turk star in an action-packed tale of the American Revolution that's directed by a German. Now that's what we call a historical good time! Happily, not written by Dean Devlin, though we don't know if Robert Saving Private Ryan Rodat is much of an improvement.

We say: "Thank you, Hollywood!"

THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE
With Jason Alexander, Rene Russo, Robert DeNiro and the voice of June Foray as Rocket J. Squirrel
Directed by Des McAnuff
Moose and Squirrel have been fucked on-screen before -- was Boris and Natasha really so long ago? -- but, despite screenwriter Kenneth Lonergan's name in the credits, we're looking forward to this. We're not exactly sure why, seeing how McAnuff's to blame for giving Tommy a happy Broadway ending, but the cast is superlative (including such comedic giants as Carl Reiner, Philip Proctor, Keenan & Kel, and the magnificent Dian "Little Bitch" Bachar) and the blend of animation with live action looks swell. One question: Will there be a Fractured Fairy Tale halfway through?

We say: "Watch McAnuff pull a rabbit out of a hat!"

THE PERFECT STORM
With George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg, Diane Lane, John C. Reilly, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Bob Gunton, Michael Ironside, Cherry Jones and Karen Allen
Directed by Wolfgang Petersen
The oh-so-portentous trailer has us worried, but at least Petersen should make the finale work, even if there is nothing resembling the giant wave from the trailer in the actual movie. By the way, they all die at the end.

Stick this in your press kit and smoke it: "What that smell like fish, oh baby?"

JULY

X MEN
With Patrick Stewart, Sir Ian McKellen, Famke Janssen, Halle Berry, Anna Paquin and the guy who played Darth Maul
Directed by Bryan Singer
This, in a nutshell, is why X Men will suck: the X Men do not now, nor have they ever, worn matching black leather catsuits! What is up with that? We swear, if they were to make a movie out of the Incredible Goddam Hulk, they'd have him wearing a friggin' black leather catsuit!

Pull this quote: "Never trust a comic book movie made by a guy who says he never read the comic book until they came to him with the project."

THOMAS AND THE MAGIC RAILROAD
With Peter Fonda, Didi Conn, Russell Means and Alec Baldwin as Mr. Conductor
Directed by Britt Allcroft
The increasingly increasing Alec steps into the uniform previously worn by Ringo Starr and George Carlin (both of them sewn together, obviously), but really, isn't he better suited to play the caboose? We'll never see this, of course, but howzabout that nutty, nutty cast!

We say: "Tank!"

I WAS MADE TO LOVE HER
With Chris Rock, Regina King, Greg Germann, Mark Addy, Eugene Levy and Frankie Faison
Directed by Chris and Paul Weitz
The Brothers Weitz' highly anticipated follow-up to their half-baked, over-praised American Pie is apparently a remake of Warren Beatty's classic Heaven Can Wait. Now, Heaven Can Wait was itself a remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan. Doesn't that make I Was Made to Love Her a remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan, or are we as a society just going to pretend that there were no movies made before 197-fucking-5?

We say: "It's this year's There's Something About Mary!"

LOSER
With Mena Suvari, Jason Biggs, Twink Kaplan, Greg Kinnear and (God help us!) Art Alexakis as Himself
Directed by Amy Heckerling
Heckerling is responsible for the only true teen classic of the Nineties (as well as one of the three best teen films of the Eighties) so why is Loser already perceived as a loser? Personally, we expect this college sex romp will be no less than a masterpiece of modern cinema. Also, we recently read that Mena Suvari likes much older men, and you can't get much older than us!

We said it here first: "Loser is a winner!"

WHAT LIES BENEATH
With Harrison Ford, Michelle Pfeiffer, Joe Morton, Wendy Crewson, James Remar and Amber Valetta
Directed by Robert Zemeckis
We've read about a dozen stories in which Robert Zemeckis talks about how much he's hoping the studio doesn't force him to give away too much of his movie's story when the marketing campaign fires up. Well, guess what? We saw the trailer and it gives away too much of the story. Here's your marketing plan: Ford, Pfeiffer, Zemeckis, ghosts. This is a tough sell? What kind of world is it where this isn't enough to get asses in seats? As we've said before, we are old, old men . . .

Pull this: "Ford, Pfeiffer, Zemeckis. They've got our $9.50 even without the damn ghost!"

THE NUTTY PROFESSOR II: THE KLUMPS
With Eddie Murphy, Janet Jackson, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy and a special appearance by Eddie Murphy
Directed by Peter Segal
Michael's a fan of My Fellow Americans, and despite his being responsible for Tommy Boy, Segal also helmed the late, great Jackie Thomas Show, which gives him big points in our book. Alas, this Nutty sequel will likely be too CGI-heavy to actually be any good, but Eddie's always been at his best in these kinds of multiple roles. Our fingers are crossed. Note: Janet's huge ass is not, we repeat, not a special effect.

Blurb this: "Eddie delivers the best multiple performance of the summer! F U Ralph Fiennes!"

AUGUST

COYOTE UGLY
With Maria Bello, Piper Perabo, Tyra Banks, Bridget Moynahan and John Goodman as Norm
Directed by David McNally
This tale of the East Village dive where ridiculously hot chicks dance on the bar appears to be ripped straight from the pages of Maxim . . . Actually this Bruckheimer-produced farrago was "inspired" by a GQ piece, but if ever movie had Stuff written all over it, it's this one. And speaking of stuff all over it, how about that cast? A-wooooooo . . .

Gene Shalit says: "Armageddon an erection!"
Pull this quote: "Two thumbs up . . . in our pants!"

THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE
With Matt Damon, Will Smith, Charlize Theron, Jack Lemmon, Bruce McGill, Lane Smith and Harve Pressnell
Directed by Robert Redford
It's the Bhagvad-Gita thinly disguised as a golf movie! No, really!

We say: "Sub-par! Wake us when it's over!"

THE TAO OF STEVE
With Donal Logue, Ayelet Kaznelson and the director's sister
Directed by Jenniphr Goodman
Logue essentially plays Greg "Slapnuts" Dulli in this lame exercise in Lite Indie Cinema for people who think In the Company of Men and Sexual Perversity in Chicago should have had romantic endings. Wait a sec, you mean they didn't?

Pull this: "You get what you pay for when you go to see a movie made by someone named Jenniphr! Fuckin' hell!"

SPACE COWBOYS
With Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland, James Garner, William Devane, James Cromwell and Steve Miller as Maurice
Directed by Clint Eastwood
We're looking forward to the big scene where seventy-five-year-old Clint's colostomy bag blows up and urine floats around the capsule. But seriously, after three or four seriously bad films, we figure the old bastard's due. Plus, talk about a great cast of coots! Let's just hope we don't have to watch any of them making out with Mary McCormack.

You can quote us: "It's Wrestling Ernest Hemingway . . . in space!"

THE HOLLOW MAN
With Kevin Bacon, Elizabeth Shue, Josh Brolin and William Devane
Directed by Paul Verhoeven
Our favorite director returns with a perverse invisible man saga that is certain to have the wackiest sex scene of the year. Another film starring Kevin Bacon's cock, though this time we don't have to see it. We refuse on principle to say anything disparaging about The Hollow Man because we actually want this to be good.

GODZILLA 2000
With Takehiro Murata, Naomi Nishida, Hiroshi Abe and Mayu Suzuki as IO
Directed by Takao Okawara
Now this is what we call a foreign film! The G Thang is back and he's got a whole new look. Plus, it's as if no other Godzilla movie other than the first one ever happened. In other words, he remembers Raymond Burr, but not Mothra (let alone Ghidrah, the Smog Monster or Hank Azaria).

We say: "Can any movie starring Godzilla and our all-time favorite Japanese/Jewish wrestler be all bad? G2K is A-Number 1, Joe!"

THE BIG BLUE
With Rosanna Arquette, Jean Reno and Griffin Dunne
Directed by Luc Besson
Either the first or second worst-ever French film with the word "Blue" in the title, what truly terrifies all these years later is not just that Besson has a thriving career, but that this waterlogged nightmare is actually influential. Blue is killing cinema! Make it stop! It's worse than Brown was, and we hated Brown!

We say: "Le Grand Bleu blows! Now and forever!"

BEDAZZLED
With Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley and Frances O'Connor
Directed by Harold Ramis
As a rule, remakes really get on our tits, but Stanley Donen's 1967 original (with the late, great Peter Cook and Dudley Moore) was always a little too kitschy-Laugh In-Summer of Love for our tastes. Besides, we've got a good feeling about this Faustian fantasia, what with the fine comedic pedigree of its director, as well as its screenwriter (none other than Larry Gelbart). Also, talk about a total babe-a-rama! I mean, Elizabeth Hurley and Frances O'Connor in the same movie? Be still our beating hearts! And let's be honest: No one's tossing Brendan Fraser out of the sack either . . .

Take this, Terrence Rafferty: "Laugh, shmaugh . . . we've got wood!"

THE CELL
With Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughn, Vincent D'Onofrio, James Gammon, Dylan Baker, Patrick Bachau and Marianne Jean Baptiste
Directed by Tarsem
Speaking of babes we wouldn't kick out of the sack, Lopez portrays a "brilliant" psychotherapist with an enormous ass who enters the brain of a comatose serial killer in this overwrought opus from the man who gave you the "Losing My Religion" video. A great bunch of character actors to be sure, but The Cell is a lock for The Worst Movie of the Summer.

Pull this quote: "Tarsem? We'd sooner see a film by someone named Jenniphr!"

BAIT
With Jamie Foxx
Directed by Antoine Fuqua
The things that delight us when we're young often age poorly, but y'know, Chips Ahoy is still an amazing goddamn cookie. They're loaded with chocolate chips and they retain milk like nobody's business . . . Oh, right. Movie Preview. New Jamie Foxx flick. The guy who directed The Replacement Killers. Who gives a rat's ass?

We say: "Mmm-mmm, that Chips Ahoy is a good cookie!"
PS: Fuqua too!

STEAL THIS MOVIE!
With Vincent D'Onofrio, Kevin Pollak, Kevin Corrigan, Janeane Garafalo, Donal Logue and Jeanne Tripplehorn
Directed by Robert Greenwald
Soon after Abbie Hoffman finally emerged from underground, he did a book signing on Greenwich Street for his brilliant autobiography, Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture. He signed Michael's copy "Happy Malcolm X-mas! Love, Abbie." We trust this important moment in the history of Amerikan letters made it into the film.

We say: "Yippie! D'Onofrio is Abbie Hoffman!"
PS: Enough Donal Logue already!

THE REPLACEMENTS
With Keanu Reeves, Gene Hackman, Jack Warden, Galliard Sartain and Rhys Ifans as the Welsh Bjorn Nittmo
Directed by Howard Deutch
Keanu Reeves as Tommy Stinson? Color us impressed! Actually, Keanu received $20 mil for this buzz-free football strike pic, which as of press time, is slated for release on Labor Day weekend. And you know what that means . . .

Gene Shalit says: "Forget spending the last weekend of summer in The Great Outdoors -- The Replacements is Some Kind of Wonderful!"
We say: "Like, wow. Fuck."

ALL THE PRETTY HORSES
With Matt Damon, Penelope Cruz, Henry Thomas and that kid from Sling Blade
Directed by Billy Bob Thornton
Billy Bob's really-long-awaited film version of Cormac McCarthy's unfilmable novel was included in the New York Times Summer Film Preview but you can't fool us. It isn't ever coming out.

Angelina Jolie says (in Talk): "It's the most beautiful movie ever made!"
We say: "It's this year's There's Something About Mary!"

E-mail at: Sqwubbsy@aol.com

MICHAEL KRUGMAN and JASON COHEN
(June 10, 2000)