While we're not always prone to giving a thumbs-up to the justice system, we must congratulate New Jersey Superior Court judge Donald Venezia for derailing the cleverly constructed marketing plan concocted by gangsta gazillionaire DMX. The rapper, who was set to appear in court to face charges including weapons possession, child endangerment and cruelty to pit bulls, managed to strike a deal that will keep him out of jail by forcing him to engage in public displays of wussiness. DMX -- or, as many police departments across America know him, Earl Simmons -- will be forced to make a series of public service announcements telling kids to stay away from guns and be kind to animals. Although that clearly contradicts just about everything the man stands for, he luckily sidestepped having to appear at any of the Garden State's Treat Your Ho Nice Day events . . .

Our "those who can't do, teach" bureau reports that a former member of the Spice Girls is about to open a school to instruct a new generation of wannabes on how to be famous. There's just one thing wrong with that picture: Having been booted from Spice World some time before the gals hit the big time, Lianne Morgan is about as famous as your Great Aunt Sophie. Morgan, whose place in the lineup ultimately went to Melanie Chisholm (better known as Sporty Spice), will try to lure potential actors, singers and spokesmodels to the Cardiff Wales-based Stage C.A.M.P. beginning in March . . .

A goodly number of Elvis Presley devotees prefer a hefty dose of sap with their peanut butter and bacon sandwiches, if a poll by the King's longtime record label is to be believed. RCA asked a passel of Presley partisans to name the most romantic song in his catalog, and the winner -- by a wide margin -- was "Love Me Tender." Oddly, the top ten was rounded out by "In the Ghetto," a song that, for some reason, has never warmed the romantic hearth in our home. The super-sexy "Song of the Shrimp," on the other hand, didn't even make a dent in the standings . . .

In an apparent attempt to win friends and influence people -- not to mention elevate their non-Kiwi record sales past the three-figure mark -- New Zealand rockers Shihad have decided to change their name, having come to the realization that it rhymes with a word that became significantly less humorous after September 11th. The band, which has yet to decide on a new moniker, issued a statement saying that the decision to re-christen itself after more than a decade stems in part from the fact that "the USA is full of psychos who need only the slightest provocation to do physical harm." Heck, we'd say that since their lousy songs haven't gotten 'em an all-American beatdown as of yet, they've got nothing to complain about.

DAVID SPRAGUE
(January 11, 2002)