So when exactly did it become Pacey's Creek? This is why Dawson grows up to be Darth Vader. Also, let's clarify something: Stephanie McMahon is a bitch, Joey Potter is a slut. Let's keep that straight, OK? Thank you. Nevertheless, we would like to note that Joshua Jackson is our pick for the plum role of Peter Parker/Spiderman. Alas, Sam Raimi stopped reading this column after we noted that he hasn't made a good movie since The Evil friggin' Dead II . . .

We see that Oysterhead, a trio composed of Trey Anastasio, Stewart Copeland and Les Claypool, made its debut last week in New Orleans. They probably think they're Cream, but they're really just GTR (though if you took that awful Claypool out of the mix, they'd be alright) . . . There was a small item in the National Post telling how anthropologists in Northern Brazil recently came across a nomadic tribe called the Awa Guaja, whose women breast-feed baby monkeys. According to Renildo Matos dos Santos, a government official, "Monkeys are a very important part of their culture. I have also seen them breast-feeding small pigs and raccoons." Thought you'd like to know . . .

Lisa Robin Kelly Krugman: It's a mouthful (indeed!) but it definitely has a ring to it. Bring on her Maxim spread! And speaking of women we'd like to throw a few humps at, howzabout Cristina Martinez? We wouldn't listen to Boss Hog on a bet but we have always wanted to do bad stuff to her -- while her precious no-talent husband Jon Spencer watches. Mike Explosion! Mike Explosion! If only she was one of the Awa Guaja, because Jason hasn't shaved in a while . . .

London anarchists destroyed a McDonald's on May Day and then took all the food. This is what happens when vegetarians run amok . . . Which reminds us: Hardcore Heaven is on PPV this Sunday. ECW! ECW! ECW! So, hey, how' bout those Flyers. Who'da thunk it? . . . Paul Weller: He's a very serious geezer . . .

We would really like to kick Elliott Smith's whiny white ass -- while Cristina Martinez watches, of course . . . Here's something that really gets on our tits: Global TV's piss-poor re-transmission of The Simpsons in Canada. What's up with that, eh? . . .

And speaking of our adopted home: Y'know that Snickers commercial with the irritating Panda guy? Why is he -- as far as we can tell from his accent -- Canadian? Yet another example of U.S. media dumping on Canadians. Now if it was a beaver we would understand. BTW, the punch line of our favorite Canadian joke is "moose cock" . . .

E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

JASON COHEN AND MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(May 9, 2000)