Sunday, March 12, 2000

8:00 p.m. You know how we love awards shows, and, for sheer glamour and suspense, you just can't beat Canada's ever-flashy Juno Awards. And having recently expatriated to the Great White North, we feel obligated to accord this illustrious event the same respect and attention we recently gave its American counterpart, the Grammys. The triumphant climax of Canadian Music Week, the Junos -- as opposed to the "No Jews," which are Germany's music awards -- are front-page news all over Canada, which just goes to show how little really goes on up here.

8:01 The show kicks off strong with Canada's very finest rock-and-roll band... yes, they've wrested the title away from the Tragically Hip after all these years.... ladles and gentlespoons, it's the Barenaked Ladies.

8:02 Lordy loo, it's a fancy-ass production number to boot! Complete with go-go dancers and members of the RCMP. Yep, Barenaked Ladies, mounties, and long-legged strippers -- there's Canada for you in a nutshell.

8:05 Well OK then, time to meet our hosts, the Moffats. Cool. We love Kermit and Miss Piggy. Oh wait... the Moffats. It would seem they're the Canadian Hanson, except with an older brother, not to mention the fact that three of them are triplets! They're all dolled up in their shiny Details magazine best. Look how cute!

8:06 The Moffats deliver some surprisingly well-written cue-card comedy to start this shindig, and it turns out Canadians are just like Americans -- they like to make fun of Loverboy too!

8:07 The announcer promises appearances from a bunch of people we've never heard of, including a life performance from Prozzak. And speaking of Prozac, here's our first presenter: Sarah McLachlan. Hey, we recognize her from the Grammys! Has anyone else noticed that she's getting a tad frumpy of late?

8:10 Sarah's handing out Best Country Male Singer. There's this really ugly pinheaded guy with big ears that we've seen on CMT playing pool with a hot chick. Maybe he's nominated. Hey, there he is, John Landry!

8:11 Paul Brandt wins. No surprise here, seasoned Juno observers agree. The question is, where did he pick up a Southern accent? Do you get a drawl growing up in say, Windsor?

8:13 Now performing, Best Pop Adult winner, Chantal Krezaviuk. Her record is platinum in Canada, which means that she sold like, four copies, not counting sales in the Northwest Territories. According to front-page news reports, Chantal is married to the weird guy from Our Lady Peace, Maida Vale.

8:15 And have we mentioned that Chantal's music is the worst sorta Nyro-wannabe inoffensive chick piano rock? Man, even the folkie girl in the Telus commercial finds her a little generic.

8:20 The award for "Top-selling Album," a category in which Celine Dion is the only Canuck. Presenting is Melissa Auf der Maur, who looks a little worse for wear, which is not unreasonable considering what she's been through. The honor goes to the Backstreet Boys... and they're actually here! Man, those guys are pros.

8:21 But wait, there's only two of them, and while they look like Backstreet Boys -- funny mustaches, colored hair -- we think they might be ringers, like Gallagher's brother. But apparently it really is A.J. and Howie. Talk about your B team. We think this is an affront to Canada.

8:24 Here are some of the awards given out the night before: There's a hip-hop group called 2 Rude, but being Canadian, they are actually quite polite. Best Roots Band is Blacky and the Rodeo Kings. (Incidentally, in Texas where Jason comes from, Blacky and the Rodeo Kings do not mingle) Best Alternative goes to Julie Doiron, who used to be in Eric's Trip and is apparently a guy.

8:29 Best New Artist. The nominees are Gob, Serial Joe, Prozakk, Len and Sky. How could they possibly choose? As with the Grammys, winning Best New Artist can really get a career rolling, so this is all-important to those lucky nominees. The winners are Sky, who, the National Post informs us, have already broken up.

8:33 The umpteenth commercial for Sam the Record Man, who seems to be the sole sponsor. With his punim, he's plainly Jewish, but calling his chain of stores Shmuel, the Record Peddler plainly wasn't going to work.

8:36 "Please welcome past Juno winners Farmer's Daughter and Susan Aglukark." Did we ever tell you the story about Farmer's Daughter. Another time perhaps. Also, we must remember to algukark around the bathtub. It has been a bit leaky lately.

8:38 Apparently there's some CARAS program that reaches out and brings music to Canadian schools. One of its precepts is "music makes you smarter." (Yeah right. Tell that to Fred Durst.) We think it would suck to walk into school assembly one Wednesday morning and have to listen to Canadian smooth jazzer Lenny Gallant. We prefer his collaborative work with Steve Goofus. Every song is a little morality play.

8:48 Live music from the Great Big Sea, vaguely shantyish folk-pop from Canada's magical east coast (y'know, Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, up that way). Based on the evidence so far, the best band in Canada today. Yikes!

8:53: The thing about Canadian music is it all reminds you of something else, only not as good. Chantal is the Canadian Tori and the Moffats are the Canadian Hanson and Vince Carter is the Canadian Michael Jordan. And almost everyone seems to be influenced by They Might be Giants. For this we have no explanation.

8:57 Just to show how popular Paul Brandt is, he's up for Best Male Artist against Bryan Adams, Choclair, Edwin, and -- God help us -- a very old and jowly Tom Cochrane. For some unknown reason, Bryan Adams wins. As always, the Canadian establishment goes with the dinosaur. Damn those unimaginative Canadian music industry power brokers. Damn Gord Davis! Damn Gord Geffen! Gord Yetnikoff! and if Choclair is so great we can't we get a Good Humor chocolate Tclair up here. Oh, they've got Good Humor, but they're wacky. They call a Nutty Buddy the Great Canadian Cone for Crissakes! Also, it's impossible to find good pretzels here. We're through the looking glass here, people!!

9:04 Top of the hour, so it's time for some star power. Yes, it's Amanda Marshall, Canada's very own Joan Osborne. This hopelessly awful blooz belter is everything that's wrong with Canadian rock. Canadians are often prone to wonder why their music is not more successful in other countries and we're here to tell you, it's because it sucks. Anyhoo, the frizzy-haired, high-heeled Amanda looks like the Bride of Wildenstein, sings like a fifth-rate Star Search contestant, and dances like Celine Dion. Yes, you heard correctly. We said "dances like Celine Dion." Skin crawling! We feel for the poor gospel choir accompanying this din: "Jesus, I've been good. I sing your praises every day, so why, God, why, are you making me do this? Was it because we joined Blur onstage in Toronto? I'm sorry, Jesus!" In conclusion, we prefer Vonda Shepherd to Amanda Marshall. How scary is that?

9:11 Best Female Artist goes to Chantal, who's hot in a Canadian Courtney Cox kinda way. We thought she really sucked, but that was before we heard Amanda Marshall. Besides, she's just a humble girl from Winnipeg (Though at the Junos, who isn't?). One thing we know for certain about Chantal: she used to wear a bindi, we're sure of it. It seems she and her hubby are Canada's hip rock couple, like a really really dull Kurt and Courtney. Further proof that Canadians are the politest people on the planet: Chantal thanks her product manager. Real rock stars don't even know the names of their product managers! So go forth Chantal! CARAS has deemed you worthy of representing your country in the lower 48. Do it for Canada!

9:16 The Moffats -- who have allegedly sold 1.5 million albums around the world (that must include Morocco and Sri Lanka) -- perform. It sounds like the lads' favorite songs are "Runaway Train," "Glycerine," and that Stone Temple Pilots tune from Unplugged. You know the one: Slow, slow, faster, faster, loud, slow slow, faster, loud, etc... Alternative rock killed music, and not just in Canada.

9:24 We are to be graced by an appearance from the all-time biggest ever Juno winners, nine in one year! Good God, it's none other than Loverboy. They're all in their late fifties now, so it's mean to mock, but why is it that they look exactly the same as the Barenaked Ladies? They're here to honor the late Canadian producer Bruce Fairbairn, the man responsible for producing such classic Canadian rock bands as Kiss, Aerosmith, and, oh yes, Prism. Good times, good times...

9:30 Best Vocal Jazz record is being presented for the first time so they can get Diana Krall on TV. Hey, Americans like her! Hooray for Canada! Our Diana does make a pointed comment about being allowed to perform on the Junos with her band, as opposed to the Grammys where they f'd her over.

9: 33 Some French lady with enormous breasts informs us that in ceremonies being held across the street, the Tragically Hip have won Best Single for some tune about a salmon. Whoo-hoo! The Hip still rule! Also, the Mathew Good Band have won Best Rock Album. We've heard them. Matthew bad.

9:38 Alanis inducts the Dowager Queen of Northern Song, Sarah McLachlan, into the Juno Hall of Fame for her many accomplishments and contributions to the world. We are reminded that Saint Sarah pioneered Lilith Fair, a safe place for female artists to congregate with their male backing musicians, road crews, drivers and chefs. Still, she seems nice.

9:45 Chantal's husband, that Maida Vale guy, performs with Our Lady Peace. He's wearing a parka. Know why? It's cold in Canada! It would seem he and Chantal go to the same esthetician. That said, HOLY CRAP IS THIS BAD MUSIC OR WHAT?

9:58 The First Lady of Canadian Song closes this baby down by winning Best Canadian Album for Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, a record that seems like it came out at least two years ago. Hey Alanis, why the long face?

10:00 The Moffats wave bye bye. Goodnight you Kings of New Brunswick, you Princes of Manitoba!

10:01 Yes, The Practice really really sucks lately, but hey, it's not like there's anything else on. Aw Jeez, a guest appearance from Rosie O 'friggin' Donnell! Screw this noise! We are outta here...

MICHAEL McKRUGMAN and JASON "GORD" McCOHEN
(March 18, 2000)