Before we start the column, we'd like to apologize for last week's terrible oversight. We've been accused of some nasty things over the weeks and months we've appeared in this space, but this one we're really ashamed of. Oops, you might say, we did it again. Friday was Britney Spears' birthday and we didn't even send a card! Britney, we apologize, and hope you got what you wanted on your special day. We can't wait to see you in it, that's for sure.

Also, as long as we're caring enough to send the very best, Happy Anniversary to Hunter and Stephanie. You two have really showed the nation what love can be.

And of course, condolences to the friends and family of the bass player from Loverboy who sailed his boat into forty-foot waves. Who'd have thought a member of Loverboy would show poor judgement in any area of life?

Speaking of Canada, we're kind of wishing that before we departed British Columbia last July, we'd gotten a better look at Tiffani Amber Thiessen Day, the beaucoup busty twenty-two-year-old daughter-in-law of conservative douchebag Stockwell Day . . . Oh, all right, Tiffani Amber is not her real first name(s). Actually, the one true Tiffani is back on network television soon, which we are happy about, though we're not amused that she dropped the "Amber." Tiffani Krugman doesn't slide off the tongue quite as nicely.

Nice to see Jennie Garth working again, though she seems oddly out of place on the $treets of NYC . . . Is there a more boring TV tag line than "ripped from the headlines?" Other than "created by Dick Wolf," that is . . . Everytime we turn on Once and Again, we're confronted with the painful sight of the Freaks and Geeks kid suffering through The Geena Davis Show. Come to think of it -- he's really creepy and awkward and barely pubescent -- how come he isn't on Once and Again? And how come David Clennon never gets to be an action movie villain? Do you have to be English? Bet he could do the accent.

We like that Mark Morris from the Bluetones because he is still bitter about Babylon Zoo after all these years . . . Is there anything we could care less about than the fact that Smashing Pumpkins have broken up? Besides twenty-three more Pearl Jam albums, we mean . . . Boy, Axl is really making a statement about how punk rock he's gonna be by doing that first Gn'R show at the House of Blues Las Vegas. Word is the already-booked Goo Goo Dolls were pissy about being forced to open, until they heard Tommy Stinson was in the band.

Unquestioned highlight of the RS year-end issue (other than the Marc Knopfler review of course):

Republican Congressman John Kasich to Bono: "What's your favorite, OK Computer or The Bends? I was a Bends man, but I'm changing."

Thom Yorke to Bono, upon hearing the story: "Bad people like our music."

Hey, pal, you don't know the half of it! Seen some of our e-mails?

And congratulations to RS Online uber-boss Larry Carlat for his gripping, emotional Dads magazine story about Carlat pere, who seems to have wandered in and out of Larry's life in between appearances in Elmore Leonard and Ross Thomas books. Larry, we'd just like to say that it took a lot of balls to write that. No, seriously.

Also in the crime writing department, we are looking forward to Ed McBain and Evan Hunter's long awaited novelistic team-up. Wonder how they got along? . . . Speaking of Evans, if you went down to the comic book store and picked up copies of Evan Dorkin's World's Funniest as well as the latest issue of Dork, that would be money well-spent . . . Fascinating to learn that best-selling author Stuart Woods personally answers all his e-mails. Then again, we already know from his books that he types really really fast. LA Dead is hardly one of his best, even if Stone Barrington does get naked with no less than five women (all of whom are spectacularly beautiful despite the absence of actual physical descriptions other than hair color. And great asses. Oh yeah, and great racks).

Over on the Well Hung stereo system, we are currently enjoying the upcoming Stevie Malkmus disc and the long-awaited Young Fresh Fellows versus Minus 5 double-CD. Also: Slippin' Out, the super-jangly debut album from Delta (the Brummie Shack, if you will), Acetone's soon-to-come York Blvd., the Montgolfier Brothers, the Forever Changes reissue and Oklahoma!, the epic Xmas opus from our beloved Spearmint. Plus, we're digging psychedelicious new singles from such old and new faves as Mover, Doves, Tenner, Clearlake, North Mississippi Allstars and, oh baby, the Mull Historical Society.

Are you people pumped for the Jets-Eagles Super Bowl or what? . . . On behalf of 'N Sync we would like to say to the Backstreet Boys: Ha-Ha! Also, we're concerned about Howie -- the new look just doesn't suit him. Bet his girlfriend is way hot though . . . Robert Downey Jr. likes drugs . . . OK people, since this election thing is finally settling down, may as well turn off MSNBC and get your ass down to the Sierra Club or local ACLU office. They're gonna need help.

E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(December 8, 2000)