Our never-ending quest for signs of the apocalypse is really hitting high gear, what with the approach of the new millennium -- but we must take time to give special credit to GWYNETH PALTROW for making us especially fearful by announcing her plans to embark on a recording career. The Olive Oyl lookalike has already embarked on that quest by waxing a tune for her next flick, Duets, in tandem with R&B smoothie KENNETH "BABYFACE" EDMONDS. Gwynnie apparently had so much fun sequestered in the studio with Mr. Face that she's started to entertain offers from record labels anxious to turn her into the next Jack Wagner...er, Don Johnson...er, make that...oh, never mind.

He didn't write the book of love, but DON McLEAN thinks that the fact that he did write the rock-history boogie "American Pie" entitles him to permanent ownership of the phrase -- kinda like the folks who own "Big Mac" or "Kotex." As such, he's gotten himself involved in a messy legal battle with a Texas-based graphic designer who owns a Internet domain called americanpie.com -- the name of her longstanding artsy business. The two sides are both claiming rights to the phrase -- with McLean holding official exclusivity to "entertainment services in the nature of musical group performances of musical concerts." While this seems to have very little to do with menu design, McLean remains adamant that he's the king of the "American Pie" world, and has issued a press release stating "I created the term. It did not exist in any way before my recording and to spread this rumor diminishes my contribution." No word on whether or not he'll be suing all parents who name their kids "Vincent"....

The folks over at Epic Records just can't learn their lesson. Fate stepped in a decade or so ago to quash the career of Scandinavian nerf-metallers EUROPE, but did that stop the corner-office dwellers over there from foisting one more attempt at cornering the cheese market? Nay, we say. As such, the label scoured taverns and fast food joints from Oslo to Ojkabulik to bring the members of Europe together for a new version of their suddenly "timely" ballad "The Final Countdown." Fate didn't take this occurrence lying down: Somewhere along the line, the packaging for this apocalypse-speeding disc was waylaid by gremlins who removed the first "O" from the word "Countdown," thus making the title more appropriate, but somewhat less palatable. But rather than merely drive a stake through Joey Tempest's heart, they're recalling the pressing and trying again. And we thought only cats had nine lives.

JOHN LENNON once got a lot of flak for claiming that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus, and it turns out that his critics were right. According to a poll just released by Britain's Playstation magazine, Jesus has far more supporters than any of the Fab Four -- but the Son of God is nowhere near as popular as ROBBIE WILLIAMS. That teen idol is the most influential person in the world, according to the poll of Britons -- most, it seems, with access to fairly strong lager. Christ hit the list at number fifteen, well behind such earth-shaking individuals as Will Smith and jungle DJ Goldie, but a few notches ahead of both Bill Clinton and Prodigy bozo Keith Flint.

DAVID SPRAGUE
(December 3, 1999)