Bo Bice got robbed. I don't care if the voters picked Carrie -- he's the real American Idol, just a fun-lovin', long-haired country boy from Alabama. Bo's the one with the fun name. Say it loud: Bo Bice! True American Idols need fun names, like "Ruben Studdard" or "Fantasia." His cleft brow! His chiseled chin! His hair would have been the envy of any Seventies stoner chick -- he looks like early Valerie Bertinelli, except for the beard. He winks his baby blues compulsively, like he's too weary to blink in unison after the strain of belting "Whipping Post" to 40 million heaving old ladies and preteen girls.

Bo had the distinction of being this season's "rocker," which is kind of like being the most feared kickboxer on The Golden Girls. This show has to be the last place where thirty-year-old AM radio standards like "Vehicle" and "Spinning Wheel" can brand you as a badass. Bo's the Kevin Bacon of this Footloose, baiting the cops ("Is there a law in this town against loud music?"), while Carrie is the preacher's daughter, who can only gaze upon him longingly, wishing she, too, shared his wild, crazy life.

I can't decide what's more fascinating about Bo: (1) that he was in a band named Purge who opened for Warrant, or (2) that he wants people to know this, instead of shaving his head and wandering the earth like Caine in Kung Fu. There's a man with a story in his eyes. What goes through his mind when he croons "Drift Away"? His carefree nights of sniffin' and riffin' in the strip clubs of Huntsville? The day Duane Allman died [sound of pop-top ripping open] and went to fly high with that Free Bird in the Sky? Maybe it's the smoldering eye contact with Paula "I'm in a Funky Way" Abdul, who finds Bo's music so inspirational she made it through the entire two-hour season finale without having sex with a single contestant.

That Carrie is a sweet little thing -- keep her away from the crimping iron and the girl will be OK. It was fun to see her onstage with Bo in the final episode. Carrie in her gown, Bo with his dashiki and shades -- they were like a prom photo, and no way was she putting out. I swan, y'all! That Carrie makes me wish I had a moron cousin to marry her.

The weird thing? Bo and Carrie both got makeovers to look more like each other. Carrie's buffer, and Bo has lost his scraggly facial hair. The ideal season finale would have seen them clasp hands, fuse into one superhuman alien godhead entity, and announce plans to rule the world, wiping out Ryan Seacrest along with the entire puny, sniveling human race. And then doing "Whipping Post."