Jeez Louise, how tedious is that Aimee Mann and her little crew? The only thing more mind-numbingly dull is new New Yorker rock hack Nick Hornby. Sorry Nick, but we've heard Shawn Colvin before, and believe us when we tell you: no full-page photo of Aimee is going to make us change our minds. Just call us Bachelors No. 3 and 4 . . . We'd also like to note that Aimee's husband is, at best, the third most talented Penn brother, which is scary when you consider what a no-talent the second most talented one is. The talented one is pretty scary talented, though . . . The only decent female artist in the history of Boston Rock was Robin Lane and the Chartbusters. That said, Juliana Hatfield of all people looks really really hot on the cover of her new CD.

Ex-Belle and Sebastian guy Stuart David has cancelled his upcoming tour with Looper because he is suffering from exhaustion. Exhaustion!?! He must have tried to read his own novel . . . On a related note, the new B&S CD is just OK, but the non-LP single is A#1 . . . There's a new collection of Springsteen photos by legendary snapper Lynn Goldsmith, titled Access All Areas. Shouldn't that be the name of Bruce's book about her?

Damn you fine!

An undisclosed millionaire has apparently offered Britney Spears $17M for some sex, which she has declared "totally unacceptable." Just tell us what amount would be acceptable and we'll start saving up . . . Of course, that would mean Jason would have to stop obsessing about hockey and save a few bucks.

Here's what we learned this week in the supermarket checkout line: Mr.Ed was a zebra, J. Edgar Hoover was black, and big tits cause carpal tunnel syndrome (though it's not clear who gets it -- the person with the giant cans or the lucky guy handling them). Also, it appears OJ might be a murderer . . . In other celebrity news, Betty Friedan alleges that her estranged husband Carl used to beat her. While we are loath to endorse such behavior, really, can you blame the guy? "Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!" For his part, Carl claims that, during the writing of The Feminine Mystique, she came at him with a kitchen knife, presumably to cut off what was left of his masculinity.

Time for a "Farewell, funnyman" hat trick, as we bid adieu to three giants: Maurice "Rocket" Richard, John "Shall I wash your dick, sir?" Gielgud, and Tito "Donde esta la casa de Pepe?" Puente. Incredibly all three men shared the same thought on their respective deathbeds: "I cannot believe Bob Hope is going to fucking outlive me!"

Our favorite bands of the moment include the Garage Monkeys (don't miss their hit single, "She's Online") and the great aRe wE theM, who sound extraordinarily like the new Idlewild record . . . We'd like to send a Well Hung shout out to the lovely cashiers at Island Natural Foods in Nanaimo. Have you ladies tried the organic tubesteak?

We like hot teenage girls as much as the next guy, but how do you figure that the sexiest woman on TV is forty-eight years old? The hair, the lips, the brains. We would so be Lynne Russell's bitches . . . Attendance has been reported to be slow at this year's World's Fair. Erm, there a World's Fair? . . . And did you know U.S. customs will not allow you to bring other people's property into the country, even if it's just a Herman Wouk book and some wrestling videos? What's up with that?

A new poll shows that forty-seven percent of today's teens from ninth to twelfth grades have smoked pot, up ten points or so from 1991. You can blame the other fifty-three percent for 'N Sync and Mandy Moore . . . Mike Myers has pulled out of his big-screen Sprockets because the script just wasn't ready. This is somewhat surprising considering that Myers' last film was The Spy Who Shagged Me, the first American movie made without any screenplay whatsoever! Anyway, Jack Black was supposed to play Dieter's brother, so it's really just as well.

Momma, is that another flashlight?

E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com.

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(June 13, 2000)