As a public service, Well Hung At Dawn would like to recap some of the latest, greatest information about the highly anticipated new Radiohead album, which is called... um... uh.... we really can't remember.

Item 1: According to Thom, Amnesiac has been finished "for six months," and when deciding which album to release, that or Kid A, it was simply "a question of which gun to fire first."

Translation: "Can you believe we got away with that crap? Here's the real record." As for the gun, point that thing somewhere else. Like at yourself!

Item 2: Yorke further explains the delay [in releasing Amnesiac, which almost came out in March] was to "give it a fair chance within the giant scary cogs of the bullshit machine."

Translation: "Once again, it's the media and our record company's fault. But June is better for festival appearances, a U.S. shed tour, and a possible summer hit single."

Item 3: Also, Radiohead "need time to finish artwork [and] to produce film work that goes with it."

Translation: "MTV said they wouldn't tolerate any half-assed studio footage this time, so we have to drop a couple of million pounds making videos. Also, the giant lemon isn't ready."

Item 4: "It's about the things you forget. And remembering . . . if you look at the artwork for Kid A, well, that's the fire from afar. Amnesiac is the sound of what it feels like to be standing in the fire."

Translation: The fuck if we know! Though if Thom insists on standing in fire, he should be advised that we will not, under any circumstances, piss on him. Oh to hell with that -- we'll take any opportunity to piss on that google eyed phoney!

Moving on to more important matters, that no-talent Eddie Burns is back, and marrying the still-hot Christy Turlington. Wasn't he totally in love with that no-talent Heather Graham like, two weeks ago? Or was that Lauren Holly? . . . As for Tom and Nicole, we've long expected this day would come. One of them, is, y'know . . . a Scientologist. "They were the Hollywood dream couple, our Nic and Tom," one Aussie gossip columnist lamented. You mean it wasn't Linda Kozlowski and Paul Hogan?

Can someone explain to us why Canada bothers to have its own awards when the five Juno nominees for best-selling album are Eminem, Enrique Iglesias, 'N Sync, Britney Spears and Creed? Ah well, at least they managed to get one Canadian in there. What's that? Creed's not Canadian? How's that possible? (A special note to our loyal readers: while we no longer live in Canada and thus cannot cover the Junos like the important breaking news it is, our friends in Ontario and Quebec have promised to send along some videotape. We wouldn't miss it for the world, especially with this year's ceremonies coming from such a glamorous location).

Smash Mouth will be covering "I'm a Believer," for the upcoming DreamWorks animated flick, Shrek. It will then appear in the coming attractions for every movie ever . . . Congratulations to Kent Manderville on breaking his scoring drought . . . That suicide-by-cop thing is one f'd up bit of business. It makes way more sense to want to kill "the President" . . . Speaking of politics, our friend Keith Lyle correctly notes that J-Lo is simultaneously hot and repulsive. She's like a Puerto Rican Courtney Love.

The Afghan Whigs have broken up. Which isn't really that interesting, because they'd already broken down. Ladies and gentleman, let's have a moment of silence for Steve Earle, Chris Mars, Grant Young and all the other original drummers whose bands went to seed without them.

So how 'bout that XFL? Hitmen SUCK! . . . King of the Hill is an excellent show that nobody appreciates. Ditto Futurama. Also Ed still rules even though all the middle-aged TV critics (y'know, like us) say so. However, they kinda stepped on their own Falcone joke this week. It was also an anachronism . . . or does Ed take place at some undefined point in small town America's future? Hmmm . . .

The lineup for Who Wants to be a Millionaire's rock star week includes Sisqo, a Dixie Chick, Lars Ulrich, Gene Simmons and Mark McGrath. We figure even Sisqo is smarter than Emily Robison and A.J. from the Backstreet Boys, but let's face it, the arrogant old Jew is gonna win. Still, we're rooting for Lars. He's married to a doctor, you know.

We'd like to give a second Well Hung Clio award to our man Jack in the Jack in the Box commercial with the nozzle. Jack is a subtly expressive comic actor . . . Alas, the Snickers Cruncher is no better than a Whatchamacallit, which is to say it doesn't suck, but it doesn't live up to the Snickers name either . . . Penn and Teller for Pizza Hut seems a little whorish, just because people who live (or once lived) in New York should never endorse fake pizza. Otherwise, we can't say anything bad about Penn, for long-ago obscure reasons . . . Meanwhile, however much money Pizza Hut gave those two? You could give it all to us and we still wouldn't go see The Invisible Circus.

e-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(February 9, 2001)